Final Good Bye.

Since the day I found out Chad passed away, I straddled a fine line between perfectly fine and a blubbering mess. I had no idea how to express what I was feeling into words and it was evident Austin didn't understand. I don't fault him for it, but there were definitely a few days of turmoil.

For some reason, I woke up Friday morning feeling better. Lighter than I had in days. I don't know why, especially considering the visitation/viewing was that night. As the day wore on at work, I became more and more anxious. Knowing what I was going to have to face. My first best friend would be there. Lying in a casket. For everyone to see.

When we got there my eyes were immediately drawn to him. I forced myself not to look. Pretend he wasn't lying there, feet away from me. I concentrated on his mourning family. On his Mom, who was hugging everyone. Almost like she was comforting them as they wept into her shoulder. I hugged her for the first time in years, and told her I loved her, too. We sat down near the back and I couldn't tear my eyes away from his Mother. Leaning over the casket and what I imagined to be her straightening his clothes. Smoothing his hair. I tried to imagine what it would be like for me if I was in her shoes, and I couldn't even begin to.

We eventually sat with his older sister. We talked and laughed and remembered. And I thought I'd be okay. I was at ease with her and our memories. I was able to unclench my jaw for the first time all night. His Mom sat down to take a break from all the well wishing mourners, so I got up to tell her good bye. I hugged the family and walked out. I was feet away from my car when I stopped.

I have always said I will never understand why people choose to have an open casket. Why would you want your last memory of someone to be them, a shell of their former selves, lying in a box? But I stopped. Something was tugging at me. I had a sudden overwhelming urge to see him. To say good bye. I turned around and headed back inside, straight for him. I don't think anyone saw me. My Mom and Sister were still there in the front row, with all of his family. But I don't think they saw me.

I walked right up to him. It didn't look like him. Not the boy I remember. Where was the crooked grin? But it was him. Those were definitely his hands. I told him I loved him. And good bye. And just stood there for a moment wondering if there was anything else I should say. There wasn't. I turned and practically ran out managed to choke out a "bye" to his brother who passed me on the way out. I got to my car and lost it. I cried. Hard. All the way home.

When I got home I went straight for my room. Austin followed and I was finally able to put it into words.

"I just loved him a lot".

And that was the truth of it. No more or less.

I finally got it all out and I was a much better person after. I felt better about going to the funeral, which was today. I was confident that I would be able to make it through okay. And I did. The service was nice and his sister put together an amazing slide show. So many familiar pictures of the little boy I remembered. Even some of him in the Rainbows shirt my Mom made us. We drove from the funeral home to the cemetery and witnessed the most touching scene of the entire service.

Chad's step father is a tow truck driver. Has been since I've known him. He owns his own towing company here in town. When we left the church, what looked like trucks from every towing company in town flanked us from the front, backs and sides. The were our escorts. For some reason in this town, police do not provide escorts for funeral processionals. Also in this town, people don't realize when a processional is driving through, you're supposed to get out of the way and let everyone pass. The trucks took care of that.

They zoomed all around us, blocking every single intersection so that everyone could pass through together. Even blocking the entrance and exit ramps on the interstate. It was amazing. We laughed when other cars honked in fury and cheered them on, thinking about how much Chad would have loved this. When we got the to cemetery, we rolled down our windows and told them how amazing they were and thanked them so much. I think it touched all of us tremendously.

The graveside service was short and sweet. We said our good byes to the family and my Mom promised his Mom she'd be there bright and early Monday morning to make sure she was out of bed and okay. My sister and I placed flowers on his casket. And we left. I couldn't help thinking that's it. But it's not really. Not for his family who will be mourning for a while. Maybe forever, even if it's not as obvious. I'll always love him. I'll always think about the fun we had and the bond we shared.

I guess in the end the only thing left to do is remember and be thankful for the time we had with him, instead of mourning the time that was lost.

ily.

Acceptance

This will probably be a very hard post for me to write.

I learned yesterday that a very close childhood friend passed away. It's hard for me to put in to words how close we were. We knew each other from the time we were 3 or 4 and were always like brother and sister. His whole family was like my family. His older sister lived with us for awhile, and I can't count the number of times my sister and I stayed with them. Just today my Mom was talking about the last time he stayed the night with us...when we were in middle school. My Dad had a bit of a freak out about that. But honestly, we were too close to be anything other than friends. We were teased mercilessly in elementary school about being boyfriend and girlfriend. My Mom said I would come home crying about it.

In the last few years, we've lost touch. It's not surprising given the circumstances, but sad nonetheless. The last contact I had with him was through myspace. I went back and read those messages and cried. I never responded to his last one. I don't know why. I guess because I never get on myspace. I'm pretty sure today was the first time I've logged on in over a year. I hope he didn't think I was ignoring him. I hope he knew how much I cherish those childhood memories. The pictures of us in our underwear watching cartoons. Jumping on the trampoline at his house. Playing video games. Him riding the bus home with me without telling either of our parents first.

Anyone who knows me, knows I have issues with accepting death. Death terrifies me more than I can really describe. When it hits so close to home like this, it sends me into an anxiety ridden frenzy. I can't imagine how his family must be feeling. I should call. But I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry? That just doesn't seem to do the situation justice.

His funeral will most likely be sometime this week. This is the first funeral in my lifetime that I've thought I should be there. The thought of it is so painful. But I can't bear the thought of not going. If nothing else just to give his family a hug.

Life is so short. It's so fleeting. Time like this just make me want to hold everyone I love close and never let them go. As soon as Punky wakes up from this nap, he's going to get cuddled until he can't stand it.

Give everyone close to you an extra hug tonight.

Growing

Punky continues his journey to big boydom.

Tonight, I packed away the bottles. They've been replaced with sippy cups and straw cups. I hope to replace the sippys with straw cups altogether, but he's still working on mastering the straw.

I was way more emotional about putting the bottles away than I thought I would be. It's so just final. His baby days are quickly leading way to toddler days and soon they'll be gone altogether. I should have had newborn pictures taken. I should have had more hospital pictures taken. Lesson learned for next time I suppose.

I officially stopped pumping at work. That I'm not sad about at all. My body had adjusted to the pump so I was barely getting an ounce at each pumping session. He takes 5 ounce bottles. Yeah. That wasn't working for me. I've just started weaning to organic cow's milk for his mid afternoon feeding. I'm still going to nurse whenever I'm with him, and during the week I'll nurse him mornings, my lunch break and before bed. Around 3:30 he'll get a snack and whole milk instead of a bottle. I'm not sure how long I'm going to continue to nurse. I know at least until he's a year. Maybe a month or two after that. But don't tell my husband.

Punky continues to grow in front of my eyes. He has now added Luna (our dog) to his growing list of words. I think he's trying to say book, but I'm not 100% on that. He can tell me where his hair is, and we're currently working on finding our nose. I (finally) got him to clap his hands today. He would put his hands in the air whenever we said yay so now we're working on clapping as well. He's very in to his books right now. He has three that he loves and I think I read each of them twice last night before he went to bed (he let me off easy tonight by only demanding two of them). He has so many books they're literally spilling out of every part of my house. Maybe one night Daddy will get to putting that book case together.

I'm in a very weird place right now, and there are a lot of things I'm trying to sort out in my head before I attempt to actually hold a conversation about them. I'm still trying to sell my car and I'm thisclose to being totally over it. Tax season is upon us again, and with that comes working late, working Saturdays and lots of stress. I'm really hoping I can get away with not having to work late and work Saturdays very often, as I don't get enough time with Punkin as it is. The stress will not be avoided.

And because my hero husband found our digital camera in our mess of a house and saved me from insanity, here are some very adorable pictures of Punkin at the first birthday party he was invited to:

 Riding the ponies

 In the bouncy house

 Bouncing with Daddy

Sleepy boy

Milestones

It's been 12 days since I've updated, and in those 12 days it seems like Punkin is suddenly catching on to so many things.

Our first "OMG HOW CUTE WE MIGHT DIEEEE!" moment was when Punky started singing Winnie the Pooh with us. Austin has always sung him this song as I believe it's his life long ambition to make sure Punk is absolutely obsessed with Winnie the Pooh. So one day during a diaper change Austin sings "Winnie the Pooh, Winnie the Pooh" and Punky looks at him and sings (not just says but actually sings the tune) "da Pooh". Hilarity ensued. As well as multiple videos and trying to get him to do it 2349234098 times a day since then.

The next moment was when I was at my parent's house. He was sitting in the floor playing with a hair brush and I asked "Are you going to brush your hair?". Can you guess what happened next? HE BRUSHED HIS FREAKING HAIR. I'm pretty sure he's the most genius kid that ever geniused. So now I'll tell him to brush his hair and brush Mama's hair and brush Daddy's hair and he eagerly obliges. It's adorable.

He has FINALLY started saying Mama. He's made the "Ma" sound a few times before but now he's actually saying it regularly like he's calling for me. I'm pretty sure my heart explodes a few thousand times a day.

Let's see what else...oh yes, my baby boy has turned into a silly snake. He loves to say "ssssssss". So now our whole family is a family of snakes saying "sssss" to each other every other word just because it's so funny to see/hear him do it. He also repeated Paw Paw (what the grand kids call my Dad) to my Mom after she said it to him the other day.

We're still working on walking. He'll take a few steps before he falls, but if we try more than twice he gets frustrated because crawling is just oh so much easier. Can you blame the kid? He has a push toy that he pushes around our apartment like crazy, but there's not a lot of room so I have to keep turning it around for him. Hopefully once our lease is up we can move into a new (bigger) place.

As for food, I'm trying to give him more and more finger foods that he can feed himself (I love being able to get stuff done while he eats!). He loves raspberries and blueberries, and they're a great healthy snack for him. He also loves toast, and just yesterday I bought some organic raspberry jam to put on it and I'm pretty sure his little heart swelled 10 times that day, a la the Grinch, at what an amazing treat that was.

He's been sick, as just as he's getting better I get sick. I would kill for a nap right now. Instead I'm sitting at work on what is a holiday for everyone else. I'm still trying to sell my car, and I'm hoping I can get rid of it sooner rather than later. It'll be really nice not to have that payment. Unfortunately, I'm not going to be able to take the Lactation Consultant class I wanted. I'm just not going to be able to afford it before it gets here. I'm really bummed about it, but eager to start classes in the fall.

Another month and a half and I'll have a toddler! Yikes!

A slightly blurry iPhone pic of him trying to climb into his toy box

Wordless Wednesday

2011

I can't believe another year has gone by.

2010 was a very important year for me. Yes, because my baby boy was born, but a lot of growth happened last year.

From the moment they put Punky in my arms, I knew things were going to be different. I knew that even though I was 23 and married and a grown up, there was still growing to do. I think both Austin and I have come to realize things about each other that we never gave to much thought too. We've had to really learn to compromise and most importantly, communicate. It's really very hard when two people who essentially have to move as a unit to make things work start to want two different paths in life. This is where compromise and communication come in to play.

I became passionate about something for the first time, and I resolved to follow that passion. I think Austin realized that things are a little more real now. He got serious about school and creating a future for our family that doesn't involve coming home covered in flour and smelling like pizza. I'm so incredibly proud of him for setting his mind to it and doing so well in school.

As 2010 came to an end, so did certain relationships. It's so hard for me to wrap my mind around the situation, and what  I would do if I was put in the position of essentially losing the family unit I have. I can't. But I do know that people change and time marches on. I know that although things come to an end, new beginnings happen everyday. I also know the unwavering and at times almost unbearable love I have for my baby, and I imagine that times two would be enough to keep me going. The love and support a family can provide can be healing. Uplifting. Cathartic. I just hope it's well received.

And, of course, Punkin graced us all with his presence in 2010. It's almost a year later, and he's learning new things every day. He's playing peek-a-boo. He celebrates with us when we say "yay!". He has favorite toys and he loves instruments. He dances. He yells and talks gibberish aside from the occasional " da da" and "baby". He gives lovin'. And yesterday, for the very first time, he took his first steps...and I almost lost my mind. I can't believe how very fleeting and precious this time is. And how in a few years he'll be starting school. All I can do is get in as many kisses and snuggles as I possibly can and hope I make the right choices for him. No pressure or anything.

So, 2011, you have a lot to live up to. Good luck.

Getting into trouble.

Baby's 1st Christmas

Merry Christmas, everyone!


Also, Happy Holidays (that's just for those of you who get upset over something as ridiculous as someone saying Happy Holidays)! ;)


Punky's Christmas was full of family, toys and exhausted screaming from a baby who just didn't want to sleep. I knew it would be a bit crazy trying to visit both families in one day. Austin assured me it would go just perfectly and Punkin would nap just fine. Of course, that didn't happen. You just can never tell with babies. We tried to put him down after he opened his presents at the in-laws. That didn't go over so well. He screamed until my Mommy pity caused me to cave and I brought him out of the pack n play torture chamber and in with the rest of the family while we ate. He was much happier.


I knew he'd be asleep in the 7 minutes it takes to get to my parents from Austin's parents, so I sat in the back of the car with him to make sure he'd stay awake until we got there. As soon as I walked into the room upstairs where my Mom has his crib he started crying. As soon as I laid him down he was asleep. Thank goodness. He slept for a good hour and a half, so he was ready for present opening. And it's a good thing because my 4 year old nephew was going to lose it if we didn't open presents soon!


He got so many toys from the grandparents and great grandparents! They were all very generous with him and we are very grateful. My living room looks like a daycare with all the new toys he has! I went ahead and took down the Christmas tree last night because it was taking up too much room.


Austin got me some charms for my Mommy charm bracelet. He had one specially made for me that says Punky's name with his birthstone on it. My parents and grandparents gave me money to put toward my CLC (Certified Lactation Consultant) training program. Which brings me to my next bit of exciting news!


I got about half of what I need for the program (it ain't cheap!). But, I have renewed hope that I can make it happen! I was sure that I wouldn't be able to sign up since it's at the end of January and my paychecks were severely cut last month. We didn't have any money to spare. My bonus, which was going to go towards this program, ended up going towards paying bills. But now I might be able to make it happen! I called today and there's no deadline for registration as long as they're not filled up. They had 20 registrants when I called and the max is 65 so here's hoping they'll have room for me when I come up with the money.


I'm so excited! I've talked to my boss and he said it was fine for me to take the week off I would need. This is such a great stepping stone to becoming board certified, and it'll really help me see what I'll be getting into with being a Lactation Consultant. Big things are happening in 2011!


Back to Punky, because I know he's the really interesting one. He seems so close to walking, but for now he's content just standing by himself. I keep willing him in my mind just to take that one step, but nothing so far. He got two toys for Christmas that he's supposed to push around so I'm thinking that will help with his walking. I have no idea why I'm so eager for this. He gotten so fast at crawling he's practically zooming all over the house.


I've taught him how to give lovin'. I'll saying "Give Mama lovin" and he'll snuggle his head in my face. Every once in awhile he'll even give me a kiss, which is the best lovin! He's learned to share whatever he's chewing on. So if he's chewing on a book (which he does A LOT) he'll look at me and put the book to my mouth so I can have a taste too. So sweet of him. He's eating more and more finger foods, his favorite being grilled cheese at the moment. I'm still making most of his food, but I'm having a hard time figuring out how I should serve them. I feel like he shouldn't be getting purees anymore, but he also won't eat meat unless it's ground up in his food. It's still a learning process.


Nursing is going well, and even thought I love it, I'm going to be so glad when I can stop pumping at work in 2 months. I'm going to start weaning him to whole cow's milk at 11 months, but I think I want to still nurse him in the mornings and at bedtime. I guess it'll depend on how my supply holds up.


So that was really long and kudos if you made it through. Here are the obligatory adorable pictures of my baby.