Letter On Your Birthday

Dear Punkin,


Today, you are two.

It seems impossible that a whole two years ago, I was in the hospital with you. A whole two years ago, I choked up over the doctor telling me you had red hair when he pulled you out. A whole two years ago I heard your first cry, the first sound you ever made coming in to this confusing world, out of Momma’s safe womb. I looked at your Daddy then, wide-eyed in disbelief. Did we seriously just have a baby?

We did. From the moment I saw you, hair red and curly, I loved you. Really, from the moment I found out I was pregnant with you, I loved you. I was amazed from the beginning just how different this love was from any other kind I had experienced. Love of my family, my friends, my husband. Nothing was quite like the love I had for you before I even held you.

I love you with my whole heart. I love you unconditionally. I even love you (heck I even still like you!) when it’s 6:00 and I’m trying to make dinner and you’re tugging at my pants leg and whining about num num. When you pitch fits and throw things and pull my hair. I love you then, too.

I see your mind grow every day, and I love seeing you learn new things. Even something as simple as what an elephant says makes my heart expand with pride. When you learned how to jump with both feet off of the ground, I was certain you were the cleverest boy in the world. I watch you dance and I listen to you sing. I watch you roll around on the floor with Daddy and try desperately hard to make puppy understand that you just want to play, despite chasing her with the broom. And I know one day these things will be silly. I know one day you won’t want to dance and sing with Momma, or roll around on the floor with Daddy. So I hold on to these moments as much as I can. I hug you and kiss you even when you protest just because I know one day it won’t be fun to give Momma kisses. So I’m storing them for the day I get an eye-roll when I ask for a hug or kiss.

I hope I do a good job as your Momma. I hope I nurture your learning and help you to grow into a good man. I hope seeing what a good Daddy your Daddy is will help you be a good one in turn. I know you are going to be such a good big brother. You already give baby girl kisses on Momma’s belly, and when you say hi to everyone around you, you even say hi to your sister.

I hope this next year is filled with as much wonderment and learning and growing as this past year was. I’m very much looking forward to learning with you.

Love,

Momma

The loves of my life, on a fun filled birthday celebration at the zoo.

Hey, Life? Here's the thing...

...you're kind of in my way.

Things have been so busy lately. With tax season in full swing here and having to work Saturdays I feel like I have no time or energy for much of anything. Also, we finally got our refund money which meant taking care of a lot of things that needed to be taken care of.

Namely, we got a van! Hooray! I was kind of stuck in a "great, mom-mobile" kind of mood about it at first, but I totally love it. It's a 2007 Honda Odyssey and it's amazing. It's big and fancy and the color is called "Nimbus". Yes, I know it's not just a broom, but even still I love the Harry Potter reference.

The sacrifice for this was trading in both our cars and driving around my sisters' old Chevy Cavalier. It's pretty much a hunk of junk, but it's payment free and the insurance is cheap so I try to keep that in mind when I'm sitting in the parking lot wiggling the wheel and turning the key over and over trying to get it to start.

So, it's saving us a couple of hundred dollars a month, plus we can fit two kids in it (our Civics barely fit Punkin's car seat, I can't imagine stuffing two kids in there!) and a dog if need be, so the trade off is worth it.

I'm not for sure leaving work after baby girl gets here, but I am for sure going part time at least. That means I'll still be pumping at work which is a bummer, but at least I'll be home more. I'm hoping that at some point Austin can go full time keeping my brother for my parents, and then we'll be making enough to where I can stay at home full time. But for now, I'm satisfied with at least working less.

We've purchased the bedding, the crib and I've set up my cloth diaper registry as well. I've debated for months over whether I should move Punkin into a big boy toddler bed or if we should just get another crib. We decided just to get another crib. Punkin's crib is a 4-in-1 so it converts to a toddler bed and a full size bed, so I figured it made sense financially just to get another 4-in-1 and not have to buy a toddler bed that he'll eventually grow out of and then another bed. Plus, I really don't think he's ready for a big boy bed just yet. I don't want to introduce that change to him when so much is going to change already with a little sister.

Also, Punkin is going to be 2. TWO. Next weekend. Um, say what? Where the heck did the time go? He's suddenly reminding ME that he has to brush his teeth before bed. He's putting away his blocks without me having to even ask. He's singing songs that make no sense but they sound so sweet anyway. Sigh. I really miss when he was a little baby. But I guess I'm having another one so I can soak up these sweet toddler years while they last.

Ruling the roost while Daddy is at work.

A Very Special Birthday Girl

Some of you may remember me writing about a dear friend who was lost here. He passed a year ago, and on Saturday my family gathered with his family to celebrate the one year birthday of his beautiful baby girl.

She has been in the care of Dear Friend's parents since she left the hospital, and they have done an amazing job raising her to be a healthy, happy and spoiled (as she should be!) little girl. She's incredibly sweet and has the faintest touch of ginger to her hair that I hope she keeps! It was so comforting to be in the presence of so many people that were there for baby girl, but also for Dear Friend. I think everyone wants to be with her, not only because she's irresistible to any normal human, but because she's a link to her Daddy that some of us find ourselves craving.

It was a big party, and Punkin had so much fun digging in the sand with his cousins and the other kids. He was covered head to toe by the end of the party, and made me think we should get a sand box. But then I looked at him covered head to toe, and I thought maybe not.

I hate that something so wonderful as the day a beautiful baby was brought into the world coincides with the day Dear Friend left the world. I know it has to be hard for his family to handle so many emotions at once. I hope one day it can be looked at as something else. Maybe another year that a family has survived a tragedy, another year that they have lived for that little girl and raised her to remember her Daddy and how excited he was to be her Daddy. I hope they can wake up in another year and remember the 25 years they had with Dear Friend and what an amazing and wonderful thing that is. But I know for now the pain and hurt are still there. It's still there with all of us on some level. But I still will the day to come when everyone can move to celebrating his life, instead of mourning his death.

I started thinking about how his little girl and my Punkin are the exact same age apart that he and I were. It's us, the next generation. There's something comforting in that, knowing that a part of both of us will live on. And I hope they're friends. I hope they grow up together and love each other the way Dear Friend and I loved each other.

Time will tell, and time is certainly not something to be taken for granted.

This Happened.

See that tiny pale face boy with the red hair out in the distance? This is exactly how far away from me Punkin was when this conversation took place:

Punkin: MAMA!

Me: What?!

Punkin: I HA POO POO BUTT!

Me: omg.

Now, he's been saying "poo poo butt" for a while because this is what we call him at certain moments that I'm sure you can guess. But this was the first time he straight up was like "Hey, wipe my butt". Okay, I know it wasn't like that, but that's what it felt like.

I feel like if he can tell me he just pooped, he should be pretty darn close to telling me before, right? RIGHT?! Please tell me that's right because I would love him to be potty trained in the next year or so. I'm not pushing it and I'm not rushing because I don't want to totally turn him off to the whole idea. We bought him an Elmo potty DVD and a Sesame Street potty seat that goes on the toilet and he's mildly interested. Every once in a while he'll want to sit on the potty so I let him. It only lasts about 30 seconds and then he wants to get off and flush, and he's never actually gone in the potty, but I figure just sitting on it is a good start.

I've thought about getting him some cloth diaper trainers. They're supposed to be great because they don't soak up the moisture where they can't feel it like regular diapers, but they also don't leak every where like big boy undies would. So many changes are coming up for him!

Speaking of changes, baby girl is getting bigger and practicing her karate every day in my belly. I feel her so much lower than I ever felt Punkin. Part of the reason I had to get a c-section with him was because he hadn't dropped at all at a week past my due date and I wasn't a candidate for induction. I haven't made up my mind on if I want a VBAC or not, so maybe she'll decide for me and I'll actually go into labor this time? Who knows. All I know is, we should probably start cleaning out that spare bedroom of all of our junk before she gets here, otherwise she'll be sleeping with us and living out of boxes forever!

Punkin seems like he's changing every day as well. I swear every time I look at him he's grown some or learned a new word or is putting something hazardous in his mouth. He's starting to recognize letters, but not really. He knows each letter is called something, but he doesn't know what yet, so he pretty much calls them all A. We'll tell him what they are and he'll repeat it, so I think this is a great start toward him learning his letters. He already kind of counts to three, but only when he wants Daddy to throw him around on the couch or bed. I've been thinking maybe he would like flash cards to look through, and then I think of the mess flash cards would make and how they would all be ruined around my house anyway, so I downloaded an app instead. Ah, technology. :)

Hopefully next time I write, we'll have made progress in the baby's room!

In Defense of Cloth Diapers

Why, yes. I am serious about cloth diapering. How kind of you to ask with that look of mingled disgust and surprise!

Here's the thing: I'm not a tree hugging hippie. Far from it. The closest I come to it is the organic milk I'm thisclose to insane about Punkin having. And maybe breastfeeding. We do recycle, but I've definitely thrown a soda can in the trash can when the recycling is full and I'm too lazy to yell at Austin to take it out. I love this planet because, you know, it sustains us as humans, but I'm not wearing Birkenstocks and holding a picket sign about global warming or something. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Did I mention I'm lazy?

But cloth diapering...it just makes sense. I've lamented in the this blog since I first started it about wanting to stay at home. Staying at home means losing a big chunk of income (like, most of it). So, while I kind of toyed around with the idea of cloth diapering when I was pregnant with Punkin, I'm downright determined this time. Let's break it down, shall we?

For cloth diapers, I can get all the prefolds and covers I would need and then some for less than $400. This includes the extra cost of washing. Even if I went the expensive route and got the really nice cloth diapers, I could get all I need and more for less than $1,300 including the extra cost of washing (keep in mind these prices include different sizes and stages of diapers). Now, while that number doesn't look like a small number, that's the cost. Period. Disposables? Almost $2,600. Continuously. Until the kid is fully potty trained.

Especially if I go the prefold route, which I probably will at least in the newborn stage since they go through so many diapers, I think this is totally worth it.

Gross factor? I will admit I had that fear as well. Here's the thing. With poop, you just dump it in the toilet and flush it. I will definitely be getting a sprayer that attaches to the toilet to aid in this. Here's something a lot of people probably don't know; when you change a poopy diaper in disposables, you're supposed to dump the poo in the toilet and flush it. You're also supposed to separate the plastic outside from the inside before you dispose of it. Surprised? I was too.

So what's with washing poop in the washing machine?! Like I said, dump and spray the poop, and your golden. Everything washes out and it does not contaminate your other clothes. The diapers go into a pail until you're ready to wash, and yeah maybe they get stinky. Have any of you had a diaper pail with disposables? Because I have one right now, and it's gross. Like, I felt like a neglectful mother this week because Punkin's room was stinky from the diaper pail. So I took it outside and there it sits. Diapers are gross no matter what, people. Cloth diapers are no more so than disposables. Actually, they're probably less gross because you don't have a diaper full of poo sitting in a diaper pail.

I said I'm not a hippie, and I'm not, but the environmental impact disposables have are really hard to ignore. It takes an estimated 500 years for disposables to decompose. Also, enough disposables are thrown out every year to reach the moon and back. Imagine that many diapers added EVERY YEAR to landfills and just sitting there. Full of disease causing poo. Because let's face it, no one know you're supposed to dump the poo first.

 Also, there is possibly the most convincing factor to consider. Look how adorable they are!

Here's where I found the cost breakdown
http://www.diaperdecisions.com/pages/cost_of_cloth_diapers.php

Noise

My last post was terribly depressing and whiny. Sigh.

Since I've written that post, I've found the perfect bedding, felt baby girl kick from the outside, researched cloth diapers with a vengeance, and I've given Punkin about a thousand smooches and laughed at him singing the Jumpy Jump song from "Yo Gabba, Gabba!" (or "A Beeba, Beeba!", if you're my toddler). I've had a very encouraging conversation with my husband about money after the baby is born, wherein I could not hear the eye roll in his voice when he talked about me staying home (progress!). I finished Mindy Kaling's super funny book and I've watched more Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and was able to bask in the glory that is Spike, the vampire.

So, things are looking up.

I am getting more excited about this impending little one. I am still a little scared of the unknowns and what what-ifs, but I'm trying really hard to push those aside and just get things figured out and taken care of. Punkin is growing so much every day and doing something new and impossibly funny all the time. I'm going to miss having just him to love on, but I'm going to love loving them both and seeing him with his baby sister.

I keep telling myself the very most important thing is that this baby is healthy and happy. Everything will be taken care of one way or another, but as long as she gets here healthy, that's what matters the most. Everything else is just noise.

Daddy wishes he could grow this luxurious 'stache.

Halfway There

Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. I'm already halfway there.

I'm starting to mini-panic about this. I feel like there's so much to figure out and I haven't even really started making a plan. The room that is to belong to baby girl is filled with the random bits of our lives that we don't have any other place for. I haven't started thinking about decorating a nursery for a little girl.

I feel slightly guilty about this. I don't know if it's because this is my second or because there's so much more pressure with this one, but I'm just not excited about the little things like I was with Punkin. Little girl clothes are foreign to me and while yes, the selection is infinitely more than it is for boys, it feels weird buying them. Everything is just so...frilly. I'm used to puppies and monkeys and blues and browns. Not bows and ruffles and pink and purple. I did buy her a cute little giraffe outfit yesterday.

My Mom asked me yesterday if I had started looking at bedding. Um, say what? Bedding? Oh yeah. I guess I should get on that, huh? It hadn't even crossed my mind. I guess because when we thought she would be a he, I got really complacent thinking we already have everything we need.

So I guess I should get moving. We were going to wait a while to put Punkin in a toddler bed because I really just don't think he's ready, but I found a spring from his mattress platform the other day that had broken off. From him jumping on the bed so much. Awesome. So now I'm thinking I better get him out of that crib before it's totally unusable for another baby.

Another part of all of this that's stressing me out is figuring out our work situations. Flat out: I don't want to work. After this baby gets here, I don't want to have to leave my child at 5 weeks old and go back to working full time. I just don't. I know people do it every day, but the thought of it just makes me want to hide in a corner and cry. It was hard with Punkin, and I imagine it'll be harder with two. The only problem with this is the fact that we need, you know, like food and stuff. Basic survival needs and all that. I don't know that we can do that. They offered to let me work part time here, and while that's very generous and all, I don't really believe them. I think they may be okay with that after I get back in July, but not once tax season hits and we're slammed and I'm the only one who does certain things here. I don't think they'll be okay with it then, and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to work full time 4 months out of the year and work part time the rest.

My main concerns are nursing and child care. I don't want to pump at work again. Ever. It was awful and it was hard and I'm damn proud of myself for doing it and nursing my baby until he weaned himself at a year. He never had one drop of formula. Ever. Yes, I'm bragging. I set out to accomplish that goal and I'm proud of myself for doing it. But it sucked. Especially at the end when I was struggling to pump enough for him each day. I long for a life when I can just nurse my baby when she's hungry and not worry about pumping unless I want to leave her with someone for an extended period of time. That would be magical.

Also, child care. My mom will no longer be keeping both kids. Austin has started working with my brother a few days a week, which is great because he can make money and have Punkin with him at the same time. But we have no idea at this point if those few days a week will turn into full time and if it does, how will he handle my brother plus a toddler and an infant? Even if I'm working part time, that's a little sticky.

There's just so much to think about, I think it's hindering me from being really pumped about this. Don't get me wrong, I'm so very happy for this baby and I'm beyond grateful that she's healthy so far. It just feels different this time.

Jax and his cousin Ella making good use of Nonnie's canned goods. Also, note the big brother shirt.