Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Most Amazing Wife that Ever Lived

Things are tight lately. Like, really super tight. The kind of tight where you forgo paying one bill for another because, well, that one can wait and this one can't.

I've tried saving energy. I've tried clipping coupons (can someone show me how to do that? I must be doing it wrong). I've managed to rein in my habit of buying Punkin books he doesn't need and resisting that one outfit that he needs RIGHT NOW before he gets too big. Doesn't seem to make much of a difference.

In all of this, I've wanted to strangle my husband. Yes, I know he's in school full time. Yes, I know that once he gets that degree it'll be so much better in the long run. But I also know him. I know he's got this fire burning in the pit of his stomach and I don't think even a slowly growing cable bill will scare him enough to put it out.

In case you don't know, my husband is a comedian. Not in the smart ass har-de-har-har sense (although he is that). In the goes on stage once a week (at least) and spends however long they'll give him making people laugh with dirty jokes sense. He loves it. He lives for it. He's wanted this since he was a kid.

I'm going to tell you a secret that my husband doesn't even know, and I'm sure once he reads this he'll be a bit chagrined, but I feel I have to explain. I remember the very first time he went up on stage, in front of an audience to do comedy. We were at this tiny hole in the wall restaurant with too many people crammed in. Sitting there waiting for him to go on stage, I think I was more nervous than he was. Not that he would do bad, but that he would do good.

I wanted him to fail.

Now, before you think I'm a horrible person, I didn't want this crushing experience for him. I just wanted it to be entirely under whelming for him. I wanted him to walk away thinking "meh, moving on". But he didn't. He did amazing. He won best comic that night and I knew. I just knew.

The fire started burning.

And so it still is. He wants to be a comedian. More than anything, I think. He's in school because it's the responsible thing to do. He works a job making barely enough to keep us a float because it allows him to stay concentrated on other things. If he could, if he didn't have a wife and kid to worry about at home, he'd be gone. Traveling club to club trying to make it work. Trying to find that one person to tell him he's really got something and to help him go places.

He's slowly buttering me up for it. He's slowly talking to me about competitions where he'll get paid. Club tours and feature spots. And I'm torn.

I love my husband. More than I can express. We've been together since we were 16 years old. We've been through the superficially dramatic and the kind of dramatic that hits you in the chest and makes you clutch at yourself, trying to hold the pieces together. He knows me better than anyone. Knows exactly what to say when he can tell I'm hating myself. When he sees me eye myself critically in the mirror he can say something subtle, offhand, to make me grin. As cliche and tired as it sounds, he really is my best friend.

But I know him too. He's always been a dreamer. He's always wanted something bigger than here. While I'm perfectly content to live in this town for the rest of my life, to raise my kids here and die here, he's always wanted something bigger. Now it's here. I hate this about him. I love this about him, deeply. I feel like it's my duty as his wife, his partner, his support to let him try. But it's very, very hard. Very hard not to be terrified.

I don't want to be a single Mom. I didn't sign up for that. He's an amazing father. Truly. I love how much Punkin loves him. I love how his face lights up when he sees his Daddy. Thinking about the fact that he would have to be gone, maybe whole months at a time if he really put himself into this, terrifies me. Sure he can make money, but how much? I'm supposed to work full time to pay bills and take care of a toddler? For how long?

But of course I'll let him try. He is so talented. He has something special. Something that you need to really stand out. Maybe I have a bias, but I think enough other people have told him that for him to have an ego inflated enough for him to think about jumping in to this with both feet. He swears he's going to stick with school and get that degree. I don't know if he will, but it's nice of him to try and make me feel better.

So, I'll sit dutifully at home. At work. With our baby. I'll let him try, and I'll be the most amazing wife that ever lived. And he better not forget it.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Reason #104 Why My Kid is Awesome

His passion of running-start hugs.

Punkin has perfected the art of the running-start hug. He starts from across the room, zeros in on his target and runs at top speed with arms in the air and nails the perfect hug every time. Sometimes it ends with a leap and sometimes it's just a full body slam, but it's always just right.

He's also been repeating words more frequently. His newest words are shoe, hush (said to Luna when she starts barking), see (he says this when he hands me something), and paw paw. He was saying paw paw before, but now he really knows who paw paw is and calls out for him. This is the point where we should probably start watching what we say. Sigh.

Punkin has also discovered that when he closes his eyes, everything disappears. So he's taken to walking around with his eyes closed. He also plays peek-a-boo with his eyes now. Just closing them so we say "where's Punkin" and opening them so we say "there he is!". Cracks him up every time.

I didn't lose any weight last week, which is actually pretty good because I didn't gain either. Considering I was at the beach the weekend before eating whatever I desired and partaking in some delicious strawberry margaritas with my sis-in-law, I'm going to take that as a success. I've been back on plan this week and I'm hoping I have a loss Saturday. I keep saying I'm going to fit in a work out here or there but wow, it's hard. Very little motivation and even less time do not make it easy.

I have a wedding in November that I'm a bridesmaid for, and it's really lighting a fire under my patooty (what? I'm practicing watching my mouth!) to kick it in gear. Last wedding I was in, I was the fat bridesmaid and I REALLY don't want to look at pictures this time and mourn how pretty the dress was on everyone else. I have 5 months and I would really love to have lost at least 20 pounds. That's totally doable. More would be great, but I don't want to set myself up for failure.

Lastly, I have a favor to ask of you. My cousin had a beautiful baby boy last night and unfortunately, is experiencing some complications. The baby is doing wonderfully, we just need to give Mama a boost. So please (in the words of my high school chorus teacher), if you pray, pray. If you meditate, meditate. Otherwise think happy thoughts for my cousin and her family. I want a full recovery for her!

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Life is a Beach

So I'm still hanging on with my attempt to get healthy. Last week I lost significantly less than the first. A little over a pound. So my total weight loss for 2 weeks was 6.2. Not bad, not great.

I'm not really surprised that I lost that much less the second week. I was staying within my points but not really eating healthy. I usually have a ton of points left over at dinner time so I might eat a Smart Ones meal for 5 points and then eat the rest of my point in cookies. Probably not smart. This week has been problematic because we were out of town on vacation all weekend. Yeah I didn't bother trying to count points. I'll be lucky if I don't gain.

Exercise is so difficult for me to find the motivation for. Finding the time is the first hurdle. Austin has to be at work at 6 most mornings now and it's hard enough for me to wake up at that time to get Punkin and I ready so I can take him to my Mom's before work. I don't get home until 5:30 and we usually give Punkin dinner around 6 which I'm usually the one to make. The it's bath and books and bed by 7. By the end of it all, I'm too exhausted to even clean my house (I've been seriously slacking on that lately).

Weekends are really the only time I have, and even then it's hard to fit it in between naps and errands. I guess I just have to suck it up and find the time for it.

Good thing about the beach this weekend is that I walked a lot. In sand. Which is A LOT harder than I remember. I may or may not have been walking to get margaritas...but hey walking is walking.

Which brings me too the beach! I'm going to be honest. I hate the beach. Yeah, you heard me. I grew up in Florida and I H-A-T-E the beach. The heat, the people, the sand and just sitting around looking at more sand. Not for me. That said, I was actually really excited for this trip because it was Punky's first beach trip and I couldn't wait to see how he liked the water.

Austin's Mom and Step-Dad generously rented a beach house for Memorial Day weekend and invited Austin and I and his sister (and our respective children) to stay. We drove out Saturday afternoon. That morning I had a photo shoot with my sister and her kids so Punkin hadn't had a nap all day and was exhausted. I was so sure he'd sleep the whole way. I was wrong! He slept for maybe 15 minutes, woke up and fell asleep again when we were about 1/2 an hour away.

Still, we took him to the beach pretty much as soon as we got there. He loved it! He loved the water and played in the sand for a long time before he was ready to go in.

That night was not good. He didn't want to go to sleep. We usually put him to bed around 7 and we tried to stick with that routine, especially since he didn't get that much of a nap. He didn't fall asleep until 10:30 and cried pretty much the whole time until then. Even with us going in and trying to soothe him, no luck.

The next night was much better. He even took a couple of naps that day. All in all, it was a really great trip, and even though I always say I hate the beach I had a really great time. I don't hate it so much after all. Except for the sand. I really hate sand (seriously..it's everywhere!).

When we got home Monday morning, I put Punkin down for a nap around 11 and he didn't wake up until 4:30. I suspect he's teething again. He's had a low grade fever off and on and has been generally more whiny that usual. Any Mama's out there have any suggestions on how to soothe a teething baby? I'd rather not use teething tablets or orajel if I don't have too. We've been giving him Tylenol for the fever if it gets too high for my comfort but that's about it other than his frozen teething rings.

Here are some pics from our beach trip:

Hanging out on the deck.

Eating some yummy watermelon.

Look how curly his curls are!