Worry

When I was a teenager, my Dad said something to me that I never really understood until now. He said that he worried about all of us kids every minute of every day. He was always worrying. I remember thinking that was kind of weird and blowing it off, but now I know how true it is.

I commented on my cousin's facebook status about worrying the other day. Her sweet little boy had to have a surgery and of course she was a nervous wreck. I told her about how when I was pregnant with Punkin, I worried constantly about something being wrong, so I just wanted to get to the end of my pregnancy and have him so that I could hold him in my arms and stop worrying. Little did I know, the worrying doesn't stop. Ever.

It's not the kind of all consuming worry when I'm panicking all day long. It's kind of the back of my mind worry. About everything. Did he eat enough today? Why is he so grumpy? Is he getting molars? Is his speech on track? Am I letting him watch too much TV? Maybe that's why I'm worried about his speech. Why isn't he on the same level as this other kid? Why am I comparing my kid to other kids?

I worry about his safety. I worry about his health; physical and mental. I worry about providing for him.

And now, as some of you know, we've learned we're being graced with the presence of a precious baby girl. While we're both thrilled, I can't help but feel like there are a whole new set of worries that comes with girls. Self esteem and self image. Emotions and boys and sex. I know I have to worry about all of those things with Punkin, but for some reason with a girl it seems so much more in your face. I want her to love herself. I want her to stand up to bullies. I want her to not look at a size 2 model in a magazine and think "That's what I should look like and this here, this isn't good enough". Because I thought those things and still think those things and I don't want her to feel like she's anything less than beautiful.

I guess I worry about these specific things with a girl because I know what it's like to be a teenage girl. I may be almost 8 years out of high school, but I can remember every sting and every hurt like it was yesterday. I remember the heart break and the bad decisions and the feeling of having so many emotions, eventually you end up with none at all.

I'm terrified of doing this wrong.

I wish my mom would come back now.

Haircut

Punkin got his first haircut this weekend!

Austin has been pestering me for ages about getting it cut. I've been fighting it because honestly, it's just so darn cute. I seriously get comments every where I take him about what pretty red hair he has. Come on, a kid with head full of curly red hair...how can that not be adorable?



Before



But alas, it had surpassed the curly stage and was quickly entering the white boy fro stage. He's got a lot of hair, but like his Daddy, it grows out and not down. Also, it's still really fine so it was getting to where it would get tangled really bad in the back. So I agreed.

We went to a place here in town that I think is fairly new. It's a salon specially for kids, which I really wanted. I've learned from my sisters experience with my nephew that it's hard to find someone who can cut a kids hair really well, especially a squirmy toddler. The salon was great. It had it's own play room and was really kid friendly (obviously). They had a DVD player set up in front of the chair so when the stylist popped in a Mickey Mouse DVD, Punkin was perfectly content. It took all of 10 minutes and he sat so still and nice like a big boy the whole time. They didn't have to get out the clippers out or anything, so I'm sure that helped.



During



After he got it cut, I took a picture and sent it to a few friends and family members. I got the exact same response from 4 of them: "NOOOOOOO! HOW COULD YOU?!". While yes, his curls are adorable, it's a pain to have to comb out the tangles. It ends in screaming and me giving up and cutting them out of this hair (yes, seriously). So, when you want to come over every night to deal with that, we'll do his hair however you want. Until then, I'll just keep it manageable. Thanks! ;)



After



Really, his hair looks exactly the same, only shorter. I actually think it's cuter because he actually has curls now instead of a mess of hair flopping around his head. I love it. Austin wanted it shorter, but I don't think it would've worked with how curly it is. It would've ended up standing straight up!

So other than Punkins first official big boy hair cut, nothing new and exciting has been going on. I'm starting to feel the new little one move a bit, and I'm dying for the 20th to get here so we can confirm the sex.

My Dad asked us to make a list of what Punky needs/wants for Christmas, and the first thing I could really think of was a toddler bed! We need to get him out of his crib eventually since obviously we'll need it for the new little one. I really don't think he's quite ready yet, but it'll be nice to have the bed when he is. We may try it out around his 2nd birthday (which is quickly approaching!) and if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. We had him in the pack-n-play bassinet in our room until he was about 3 months old, so we have a little bit of time even after the baby gets here. There are just so many changes coming up in his world, I'm afraid to introduce them all at once!

And just because it's hilarious, here is a silly cookie face picture for your amusement.

Guessing Game

As many have already heard via my husbands facebook (he tells me "the public wants to know!"), at my last appointment on Monday the doctor took a guess at the gender and guessed another little boy for us.

Now, let me say, this is NOT 100% yet! I will tell you when I looked at the screen before the doctor said anything, the first thing out of my mouth was "That looks like a boy!". And it REALLY really did! Seeing as how I'm only 14 weeks I can't go by that just yet, but at my next appointment we should know for sure.

Now of course everyone knows I was guessing girl, but I just knew the universe would point it's finger and laugh at me! I'm very excited about another little boy. Punkin is going to have a little brother! The thought of two of them just melts my heart. One of the first things Austin and I did after finding out there's a good chance it's a boy is hammer out a name. We've been arguing over a boy name since we found out I was pregnant.

We had a middle name already, but we were stuck on the first name. So after Austin threw out a name that I've always loved but never thought he would go for, we settled on one and now it seems more real somehow. Things are happening! eep!

This weekend was the most miserable weekend of my pregnancy. After feeling pretty crummy Friday and Saturday, I was actually feeling a bit better on Sunday. Monday rolled around and wow. I got my ass kicked, to be perfectly blunt. From the moment I woke up, I was throwing up and just generally miserable. I made it to my doctors appointment and managed to get out of there without getting sick, but just barely. Seeing the little peanut helped take my mind off of it a bit. I spent all day in bed. Literally from about 11:30 AM until I got out of bed for work the next morning, I was in bed.

Tuesday I was feeling better, although a little fuzzy from having to rejoin the land of the living. Today I'm fully on the mend and trying to drink as much fluid as possible to make up for what I missed. Hopefully the little guy in my tummy had enough amniotic fluid to swim around still while I was sick. Poor guy was probably like, "what the heck, ma?!".

I hope everyone has a wonderful and safe thanksgiving! Kiss and hug your loved ones!

Nostalgia

So my very dear friend mentioned in a previous post was married on Friday, 11-11-11. Punkin walked down the isle and was absolutely adorable. The bride was positively stunning. Seriously. She could've been a Disney princess.

This friend I've known and loved since high school. We've been through a lot together, including petty arguments and break ups. When the relationship you have with someone spans over 10 years, memories are abundant.

At her wedding, her Dad gave a toast for her and her freshly minted husband. He called her Mom up there, and watching them both stand up there next to my friend in her beautifully flowing wedding dress, I had such a strong hit of nostalgia I wanted to cry.

I remember being a kid in their house. I remember her older brother lifting me up by the overalls and teaching me to lock my arms in my pockets to avoid a horrible wedgie. I remember her younger sister starting high school and it being SO WEIRD to see her in the halls. And now here we all were. On one side I had my very best friend from 5th grade, who got way too hot for the likes of me in middle school. On the other side, my ex boyfriend, the last real one I had before Austin. My first love, who I still cherish dearly because I learned a lot about love and even more about heart break from him, but who honestly, I don't know anymore. And her parents. Grey haired with lines around their eyes. Her Mom, more beautiful as she let the grey take over. Her Dad, the exact same as I always remembered him.

I miss when things were simple.

I miss talking about boys until all hours of the morning. Singing in chorus together and eating lunch in Coach Crowder's classroom. I miss being able to come home and do nothing and not worry about what I'm going to feed a child who doesn't eat. Or when I'm going to get around to those dishes because lord knows my husband isn't going to do it. Or what could possibly be causing the cough my child has been carrying around for 3 months now.

I miss not having adult responsibilities. We're all so grown up now. Getting married and having babies. Getting a real job and struggling to pay bills. It makes me sad. But then I remember that towards the end there, high school was kind of horrible. I hated everyone. I never want to go back there and you can bet I will not be attending my 10 year reunion. Everyone I care to see, I still keep in contact with.

So when I think about it, I guess being grown up isn't so bad. My ex taught me some about love, by my husband taught me the rest and filled in the gaps. My child taught me more about unconditional love than any being ever could, I think. Having a grown up job sucks, but I've met some of the most caring, funny and smart people working here. Struggling to pay bills is still pretty awful. I don't have anything nice to say about bills.

So I'll take the grown up life, but I'm glad I have those memories with her. When you know and are friends with someone for that long, they help shape who you are as a person. I am so glad she asked me to be a part of her wedding.

Almost Done

With first tri! 12 weeks tomorrow!

I'm hoping that with the emergence of first tri, the retreat of certain symptoms will occur. For example, this horrible skin I've got going on. I've always had generally pretty decent skin, but wow. It's like every day there's a new pimple and every day I scream in outrage at the mirror. Anyone have any suggestions for a good face wash that doesn't contain salicylic acid? I'm using cheap clean and clear right now and it doesn't help AT ALL.

I'm going to go ahead and throw out into the universe that I think I'm having a girl. Maybe because this pregnancy feels so different from my first. Maybe because I'm buying into old wives tales that say if the baby steals my beauty it's a girl (I didn't have much to spare, but the horrible skin, thinning hair, and preggo fat face are not helping my cause). I don't know. But when I first realized I was pregnant, I was saying she immediately, and I have to catch myself at it now.

Of course, I'm sure this means it's a boy. Just because the universe wants to point it's finger and laugh.

I mentioned before that I'm a lot more emotional than I was with Punkin, and man is it still true. We just had a United Way presentation at work, and when the presenter was talking about Children's Home Society and how they helped a 2 and 4 year old that were removed from a home and were malnourished I was fighting tears. I can't take bad things happening to kids.

Also, and I thought this would be the total opposite, but I feel like I'm more paranoid during this pregnancy. Maybe it's because I have a child and I know what's a stake, or I've been through it and I know what can go wrong, but I'm terrified of something not going just right. I'm terrified I'll go to the doctor and get my ultrasound and they're going to go silent and studious searching the picture for something I can't see. Maybe it's because my hormones are crazy this time.

I'm in the wedding of a very dear friend of mine this weekend, and I'm looking forward to spending time with her and getting my mind off of things. Punkin is in the wedding as well, and I'm crossing my fingers he makes it down the isle without incident!

Punky is just getting so big so fast. He's talking more every day and though a lot of it is his own special language, he's definitely saying something. He NEVER isn't babbling about something. He's a bit like his Dad in that way. This gives me hope that he'll get Austin's outgoing personality. Austin never meets a stranger, and I love that about him.

He's still going through that stage of wanting to assert his independence. AKA being a giant brat sometimes. He especially loves to torture the dog, which is not okay but is also kind of cute. He LOVES his puppy. He calls for her in the mornings and always wants to give her hugs and kisses. He hits her with his toys, and we always get on to him and put him in time out for it, but I really just think he wants to play with her. He sees Austin rough house with her (I mean like, on the ground rolling around wrestling with her) and he wants to do the same but doesn't really know how. I think that's our biggest issue with him right now.

Another issue is his eating. He never wants to eat what we give him. Unless it's fresh fruit (which he gets with breakfast every morning and sometimes lunch) he pretty much doesn't want it. The only other thing he'll eat consistently is Macaroni and Cheese. I still can't get him to eat meat at all. Not even with ketchup. I thought I could mask the taste or texture or whatever he doesn't like...not so much.

He eats a lot of the same things every day because it's what we know he'll eat, but I feel like that can't be good for him. We're lucky that he'll usually eat some veggies here and there, but even then he only really likes green beans and sweet peas. So we're still struggling with that right now.

I mentioned earlier that Punkin is going to be in my friends wedding this weekend..he's not going to be the ring bearer, but he's going to go down the isle right before the bride with a sign on his back that says "Here Comes the Bride". My friend borrowed a baby tux for me and here is a totally adorable picture of Punky when we tried it on him this weekend:

As you can see he was none-too-please about putting it on, but he ran around a few minutes after this shaking a tambourine just as happy as can be. Isn't he a handsome little man?!

First Tri, We Meet Again (AKA You Sneaky, Sneaky B-Word)

So yes. Word is out to the masses. Austin and I are expecting a 2nd little bundle of joy (and poop) at the end of May. My doctor originally told me the end of June, but that math does not make any sense since I'm measuring 10 weeks. So I've taken it upon myself to correct him without him knowing. :)

Let me assure you, this was a complete shock. If I count backwards to find a date of conception, I was on my period. Doesn't make any sense and I still have no idea when it happened. I'll be honest and say with Punkin, I had a sneaking suspicion and even kind of hoped for it. Don't get me wrong, I totally lost my shit whenever I found out with Punkin. There were wails of "I CAN'T DO THIIIIIIIIS!" and Austin standing in front of me flapping his arms uselessly. But I can't say I was surprised.

This time though...shock. And terror.

I was only a few days late and kept telling myself there's no way even though Austin was picking on me for it. One morning I was nauseous and actually had to run to the bathroom. That didn't even tip me off. What REALLY tipped me off was the fact that my acid reflux had been acting up, which it hasn't really done since I had Jax. I remember just freezing and thinking "Oh, no. No, No, No."

I talked myself down and went to work and after being there for about half a second I couldn't take it any more. I went to the store, got a pregnancy test and took it right there at work in the ladies restroom. I do not recommend this. Seriously, don't even think about it. I absolutely crumpled right there on the floor of the bathroom and had a meltdown. As soon as I could collect myself enough to move, I ran to my desk, grabbed my stuff and hightailed it home.

Austin must have been having some sort of psychic calling because my phone rang as soon as I got into my car and it was him. I sobbed to him that I was pregnant and I swear he was silent for a good 2 minutes before he finally said "Can you come home?". Already on my way!

He panicked with me for a good 5 minutes and then of course, he was excited and making plans. I think I panicked for a good week before I was able to have a semblance of excitement.

I don't think I was truly excited until our appointment with the OB yesterday. Seeing that little blob on the screen wiggle it's little legs just made it so real.

I'm still scared. I had actually been thinking how okay I'd be just to have Punkin. I love being able to give him my full attention and love on him all day long. I feel a little guilty actually. I don't want him to feel like he comes second, ever. I know people do this every day so I just have to put on my big girl panties and figure it out I guess.

First tri is definitely having her way with me. I'm sick most days, but if I stay on top of when I eat and eat meals and snacks with protein I'm a bit better. I'm exhausted all the time. It takes some serious motivation for me to get off the couch and clean anything in my house (please don't come over. It's for your own safety). I'm WAY more emotional this time already than I ever was with Punky. I've never been one to cry at movies or TV  shows, but man. One little thing can set me off. Especially if it has anything to do with kids.

I'll take it all though, if it means I'm able to have a healthy baby. The payoff is definitely worth it in the end. I just have to keep telling myself that whenever I start complaining (which let's face it, is pretty often).

So there you have it. I'm pregnant and scared. And happy and excited. Can't wait to find out what we're having!

Leaps and Bounds

That's how it seems my baby boy is growing lately.

He's gotten really good at repeating what we say now. The newest terms he's added to his vocabulary are "poo poo butt" (after me telling him he had one as I was hosing him off one morning) and "peeper" (yes, that's exactly what it sounds like).

I laughed hysterically at both when I heard them come from his mouth.

He still babbles like crazy and although we have no idea what he's saying most of the time, he knows EXACTLY what he's saying. I'll look at him and say " I have no idea what you're talking about." and he'll get right in my face and repeat it exactly like he said it before like I'm slow on the uptake. Duh, Ma.

Oh yes, and I'm no longer "Momma" most of the time. I'm now just "Ma". Apparently he's too busy to get the whole word out. I tell him bye-bye and he'll say "Bye, Ma!" as he's running past me to his next activity.

He's learned when things are hot. He's learned to ask for a banana by name. He's mastered the use of saying "thank you"

This whole thing is so bittersweet. On one hand, I can't wait until he's really talking and I can have conversations with him that make sense. On the other hand, I just need him to stop growing so fast. He'll be 20 months old soon and that's only 4 months away from 2! 2 years old! Ugh. He's so big.

Sometimes I'll look at him and his long legs and his big boy cups and it just kills me how big he is. All I can think is one day he's going to be an obnoxious teenager (because let's face it, all teenagers have some degree of obnoxious) and my little baby boy with his red curls and his killer dimples is going to be a memory.

Sigh. I'm seriously just too emotional about it lately! I'm sure I'll get over it when we go to potty train and I'm wishing we could skip that part and he can just magically use the potty by himself!

He may be a big boy, but that thumb in his mouth gets me every time.

Flashback Friday

I heart baby fat rolls.

Time Out

So a long time ago, I brought a chair from my mom's house home with me to be used as a time out chair. It was a couple of weeks, but I finally put it to good use.

The first time Punkin was throwing magnets...again. I swear it's like his favorite game. So I told him not to throw the magnet so he looked at me and threw it on the floor. I handed it to him and asked him to put it back on the fridge and he threw it again. Time out! So I sat him in the chair. He cried. And cried. He got up twice and each time I just told him in my deadly serious Momma voice that he needs to sit and not move. So he did! I let him sit there for a minute and a half. I went to get him and told him why he was in time out and gave him some snuggles. It went really well!

The second time was for hitting. I've been giving him one warning for his behavior and then time out so when I told him we don't hit and he hit again, straight to the chair. He only got up once this time. He still cried but I'm okay with that. It's not supposed to be nice or fun. After he gave me hugs and I put on some Elmo and all was right with the world.

He's been fighting a nasty cold for the past couple of weeks so I think some of his naughtiness is due to him feeling crummy. His cough is nasty right now. He went to the doctor last week and they said his chest sounded clear but I may take him back tomorrow. That cough is just not letting up and I'm worried he'll need a nebulizer or something to help.

I've been giving him teaspoon fulls of honey to try and help but I'm not sure how much it's really helping. He REALLY likes the honey so that's something. I tried to give it to him in a drink but he won't drink anything warm. I tried warm juice and warm milk (which I totally thought he'd go for...he was a boobie baby for a whole year!) but he won't touch the stuff.

Anyone else have any natural remedies that may help?

Battle Scars

I haz them.

Here's the thing...I loathe my body. As I think a lot of women do. I hate looking in the mirror. I hate trying on clothes. I hate having to choose what to wear every morning to go to work. Everything is wrong and even though I have a closet bursting with clothes and a dresser and a half stuffed with them, I have absolutely nothing to wear.

But really, it's not the clothes. It's me.

I've lost a little bit of weight lately, and while that's great all I can do is look in the mirror and pray for the day I get my tummy tuck to come ASAP!

Some (horrible, awful, no good) people don't get stretch marks when they're pregnant. Okay, maybe they're not horrible people, but I kind of hate them. I look like I got in a really bad fight with a tiger and lost. It's gross and horrible and I shake my fist at those ugly scars. Talking with Austin the other day, I kind of had an epiphany.

I don't even remember how it happened or what was said, but my remark was "This happened as a result of carrying your child". And there it is.

Yes, my body has been ravaged. My skin is permanently scarred, my hips are even wider, I won't even go into my once awesome boobs and even my feet got bigger. My FEET for cripes sake. But when you think about what exactly my body did, it kind of seems like no big deal.

I grew a person. A living, breathing, functional not to mention an adorable little person. He grew inside of me from a tiny egg that I never gave a second thought to and my husbands, ehm, contribution which I'm sure he gives a lot of thought to. The two of us seriously came together and made...us. My red hair. His curly hair. He got the shortness from both of us.

For 9 months, that little egg that started out the size of a poppy seed grew and grew and grew and my body nourished him. My body cradled him and kept him warm and safe. Even after he was born, my body nourished him for a full year. To me, that's truly amazing. Women are total rock stars.

Honestly, I had it easy. I mean, yes I carried him and it was magical and hormonal and all, but I didn't even have to go through labor. I didn't have to physically push him out of me. He didn't feel like coming out and at already a week over due and no sign of him even attempting to drop or my body dilating or anything, the decision was made for me to have a c-section. Sometimes, I feel really cheated. Sometimes I feel like I should have had that birth experience I really wanted. But then other times, I realize how truly lucky I am to have a healthy happy baby.

Some people don't. It's a cold hard fact of life. One of those truly unfair pieces that make me angry to the core. Why? No good reason. But those women, the ones who have to suffer loss (which I'm not even going to pretend I understand or can comprehend) have the deepest scars of all. Both physically and mentally.

So I put that into perspective. And I take a step back from the mirror. I trace the lines over my belly and think about the fact that for having housed an 8 pound 3 ounce bouncing baby boy...it's not that bad. For having breastfed my child for a full year, it's okay that the girls don't have as much pep in their step. For all the complaining and whining I might do about the way my body looks the way it does right now, I'm so incredibly thankful that I have these battle scars.

Yep. I did that. Also, my husband helped...some.

Sick Baby

I've had a sick baby on my hands the past week or so. He's had a runny nose and a slight cough and Saturday I was puked on. Lovely.

I think maybe he ate too much that time. I'm starting to think he's going to have a sensitive stomach like his Daddy. I had one when I was a kid but grew out of it. Austin, not so much.

Punkin has been a pretty sweet boy these past couple of days. Remember how I got the chair from my Mom's for time out? I haven't had to use it yet. He certainly has his moments, but it seems like he's understanding better when I tell him no. For example, he loves to take the magnets off the fridge and throw them across the room. One time of me getting down to his level and telling him he can play with the magnets but he absolutely can not throw the magnets and he hasn't done it since.

We're reading lots of books and now he'll pick one up and run his fingers across the words and mumble like he's reading. I always follow the words with my finger when I read to him so he knows these are words and not just part of the picture. I want to start introducing him to letters and getting him acquainted with the alphabet. He likes it when we sing ABC's so I think maybe I'll try and point out the letters specifically while we sing? Not sure yet, but I'd like to start. He's only 18 months old so I'm not trying to teach him to read or anything.

He's gotten really great with his blocks. He can stack up to four at a time. I don't know why this was such an achievement to me but I was really proud of him! Sometimes if I can see a melt down coming I'll say "Hey, let's go play with your blocks!" and he'll happily run in his room to play. It's cut off a few tantrums, for which I'm grateful.

Big score today! Austin managed to find a kid sized broom and dust pan. Punkin LOVES to help me sweep and while I appreciate it, it get a little hairy with him swinging a full sized broom around the house. Hopefully this keeps him occupied. Pics soon!

Tonight is date night with the hubs for and I am so freaking excited. I feel like I haven't been out of the house without a baby in ages. I plan on getting the biggest margarita I can possibly find. Maybe two. I haven't decided yet.



After Momma got a shirt full of puke. This is his new favorite thing to do when he's sleepy or doesn't feel well. He loves to lay on the couch with a blanket and watch Elmo.



Momma/Punkin Time

There was a period of time of about half a second where I REALLY wanted Punkin to call me Mommy. I give up. I've been Momma since he was born and I don't think there's any going back.

I love the weekends. This one was especially awesome. Since Austin started his second job, he's been working double shifts all weekend so Punky doesn't really get to see him. This weekend he had Saturday morning off so we decided to take advantage of the Tallahassee (Jr.) Museum's $2 Saturdays. It's a great deal! Especially since he got sleepy pretty quick so we were only there for maybe an hour.

The last time we went was probably almost a year ago, so he was too little to really get into it. This time, he loved seeing the farm animals! We've been working on our animal noises so it was fun to see them live. He would just stand at the fence staring at them and we would be saying "Look, it's a cow! The cow says Moooo!". He would look for a long moment and then say "It's a puppy! ROO ROO ROO". So every thing was kind of a big puppy...or maybe he meant it's an animal like a puppy? Either way, we're still working on the animal thing.

The rest of the weekend Momma and Punkin cleaned and played. He loves helping with the laundry. Whenever I switch clothes from the washer to the dryer I hand him the smaller things like rags or socks and he'll put them in the dryer for me. Folding clothes is his favorite. He doesn't fold them so much as he throws them on the couch but he's still helping, which I will appreciate as much as possible for the moment because I know he won't always want to!

I managed to get our back deck cleaned off so he can go out there and run around a bit now that it's starting to cool off. One of my (many) Momma guilts is that he doesn't play outside enough. Our back yard isn't really fit for it and we live on a very busy road so I'm scared to let him play in the front yard. I figured the deck was a good compromise. I'm hoping for Christmas we can get him some outside toys to play with. I'm thinking maybe a water/sand table. Anyone have experience with those?

We played with blocks, colored in his Pooh Bear coloring book and read lots of books. It was a pretty good weekend.

I've always heard that around 18 months is really when they have a big language explosion and I can definitely see it! He's catching on to words to quickly now. Even yesterday when I asked if he wanted to go outside he was screaming "outside! outside!" and running for the door. I've never heard him say that before. He's picked up blocks (sounds like boss right now lol) and he's saying book regularly now, as he would kind of use it off and on before. He's saying drink (which for some reason is just "dee") and asking for num, num. I'm trying to break him of the calling food num, num thing because it's started to bug me. Not sure why but I keep trying to use words like eat and lunch instead.

We're still working on please and thank you. He'll randomly say thank you but never when I ask him to. It'll be after I give him a kiss or hand him a book or something. Or he'll hand me something and say thank you. I really would love for him to have good manners so I'm being diligent!

Helping Momma sweep the deck.

I caught him laying down on the job!

Discipline

This subject is something I've been lamenting for months now. Let me say, I think I've been blessed with a very good baby. He's generally pretty pleasant and he's usually happy running around the house or just playing blocks in his room. But there are those moments when he's sleepy/hungry/generally cranky and he decides to show his little toddler butt. Especially right now, he's really asserting his independence and pushing boundaries.

For example; I tell him not to touch the hot water heater. He looks me straight in the eye while reaching his hand out to touch the hot water heater. I'm torn between laughing and wanting to snatch him up and ask him WTF he's thinking. Of course, neither of those things would help the situation.

I've tried getting down to his level, looking him in the eye, and explaining to him why we don't touch that/throw food/hit puppy but he just looks at me like "Um, why are you crazy?". I think getting down to his level and telling him no is a good thing, but I don't think trying to rationalize with an 18 month old is going to do anyone any good.

So, I think I'm going to try time outs. I've tried it before and he actually laughed. The first time I tried it he cried and cried and I thought maybe it would work. The second time I tried it he thought it was a game. You know, I put him in the chair, he gets out of the chair, I put him back in the chair. Rinse, lather, repeat. So I got a special chair from my mom's house that is going to be his time out chair. I'm going to try sticking him in the chair facing the wall for a minute or so when he acts up and see how it goes. Maybe it'll be a disaster. Who knows.

I also hate the stranger anxiety thing. If he's in a really good mood he'll flirt with strangers all day long. But if he's the tiniest bit sleepy, he'll swipe at a stranger if they get to close. Really, REALLY not okay. And kind of embarrassing to be quite honest. I know people who have kids would understand, but I really don't want people thinking I let my kid go around hitting people just for the heck of it. Because I don't.

The weird thing is, we don't even hit him. Never have I even popped his hand. Yet he's still developed a hitting habit when he gets mad or frustrated. How the heck does that even happen? Luckily, I think with enough times of getting on to him, he's mostly stopped taking swipes at Austin and I. He'll still hit Luna every once in while (and by hit I really mean take a general swipe in her direction. It's never hard enough for her to even notice...but still very NOT okay) but he mostly hits inanimate objects. The wall, the couch, the TV. I'm okay with this. Honestly, I think when he's older and he's really upset or frustrated, it's okay to take it out on a pillow or stuffed animal. As long as he knows hitting people or animals is not tolerated.

Another thing we've really been pushing with him is positive reinforcement. I celebrate the heck out of everything he does well. We've even got him cleaning up his room before bedtime now because every.single.time. he puts a block in his toy basket or puts one of his stuffed animals on the shelf we shout "yay!" and clap and tell him what a big boy he is. He loves it. He claps and squeals and is so proud of himself. So if he's really good in the doctors office (that lasted about 2 minutes) or if he does something I ask right away (like hands me something or puts something away) or is generally being a sweet boy I tell him and praise him.

I feel like discipline is our next big parenting hurdle so I'm hoping we get the hang of it pretty quick!

Helping Momma clean up his room like a big boy.

New Doctor

Today Punkin had his 18 month well baby visit. 18 MONTHS! Ugh. He's getting so big so fast. I keep imagining him at 16 and totally obnoxious and telling me he hates me. It feels like it's going to be here before I can say boo. I'll be saying "Remember when you LOVED Winnie the Pooh? And you used to dance to Heffalumps and Woozles? Just like this! *inset corny mom dance*" and then he'll be all "MUH-THER! You're so embarrassing!". And then he'll total the hovercraft on the way to school.

Okay, so maybe that won't happen so soon. But I guarantee it'll happen sooner than I want.

Anyway, back to the hovercraft-free present.

Punkin had his 18 month well baby visit today and it was our first visit to a new doctor. I really loved his old doctor, but mainly because she was my pediatrician and she still sees my brother and has vowed to forever even though he's 22 and a handful (he's mentally disabled and finding a doctor that deals with him well without suggesting placing him somewhere is hard to come by). Also, I love a good run-on sentence.

So I loved the old doctor, but I always felt so rushed in her office. We would wait forever for him to be seen and then she was in and out in (literally) less than 5 minutes. No feedback, no discussion. Just "He's fine, see you next time". I need reassurance. I'm one of THOSE moms that constantly scours the Internet for the latest research on developmental milestones and ways to help them achieve those milestones. I wanted a professional to tell me he's right on track.

This doctor did exactly that.

First of all, when we got there we were handed the standard paperwork to fill out. On the very top was what they called a "communications checklist". At first glance I could tell it was really an "autism checklist". When you've been around it as long and as much as I have, you know the signs and symptoms. You also become super paranoid. Fact is, no one knows what causes autism at this point and it very well could be genetic. The fact that I have more than one autistic family member has always made me a little more aware when it comes to Punkin. Our old doctor never even brought up the possibility or what to look for. This office was asking me about his development right off the bat. Score 1!

When we got into the office. The nurse was super sweet and asked us some general questions. She was very patient with him since he was being a bit of a grump (it was nap time and you could tell). She did the usual height, weight, head circumference check. When I asked if she could tell me his percentiles, she said the doctor would go over everything with me. Um, what?! The doctor will actually voluntarily look it up and tell me what it means and EVERYTHING?! I was seriously giddy at this point.

So we impatiently waited for the doctor to arrive (like I said...nap time). By the time he came in, Punkin was running around throwing his shoe across the room saying "Shoe! SHOOOOOOOOOE!". Doctor C didn't seem phased. He introduced himself and gave us a little of his background. He asked if Punky has ever had any issues and I mentioned his circumcision. They left more skin than they should have so it kind of looks like half a circumcision. He told us he used to regularly perform circumcisions and went into why he's such a big advocate of it from a medical stand point. This made me feel better, mostly because I've always felt guilty about getting him snipped in the first place. It seems so unnecessary. But he explained the reasoning behind it and and took a look and said he looks just fine. He's only 18 months after all so he has some growing to do. I'd rather him have too much skin than too little you know? That can be very painful for a guy.

So after the initial exam he talked to us about his development and what we should be doing to help him along. He talked to us about nutrition and safety and everything else under the sun. He answered all of my questions in depth and left room for as many questions as I had. He even went into discipline with me a bit because I've been so conflicted on what to do with him. He never told me what I should do, but offered suggestions on what I can try. At the end he looked over his "communications checklist" and said "Well, he doesn't have autism!". Hey, thanks Doc! It sounds silly but hearing it said out loud by a professional makes my little mommy heart all a twitter.

Before leaving he said "He looks great. You're doing a great job". Be still my heart! My reassurance! I wanted to hug him! Maybe some people will think I'm silly or not a good mom to need reassurance from a doctor, but hey, when you've seen what can happen with kids when just yesterday they were perfectly normal or when they're maybe just a little behind, you'd probably feel the same way.

So, Punky has a new doctor and mommy has a new peace of mind. He had three shots today which were no fun at all. When I got home for lunch he was still sleeping so I imagine he was pretty tuckered out.

He doesn't have to go back for 6 months until he's two (TWO!! Sigh) so he can forget all about the shots and start learning about the potty.

In the waiting room. Notice the matching outfits down the to dirty black Vans.
One guess on who dressed him this morning.

Helpless

This morning, for the first time in my short Mommy career, I felt absolutely helpless.

I heard Punkin make a weird noise and start coughing a little early this morning. He didn't make a peep after that so I figured he went back to sleep and so did I. I slept in until the last possible minute, not wanting to get out of bed to get ready for work. Finally, when I had about 10 minutes until I was going to be late, I hopped out of bed, threw some clothes on and went to get Punkin. I knew he was still sleeping because I usually hear him talking to himself in there in the mornings. I walked in and he lifted his head, but didn't attempt to get up like he normally does. I peered in his crib and saw something all over his pillow. *gulp*

I turned on the light and slowly turned around, terrified because I just KNEW what it was. Yep. Puke. All over the pillow...and he's rubbing his face in it. I had about half a second of horror before I ran over and snatched him up before he could really get it all over himself. As soon as I tried to stand him up, I knew he wasn't right. He just kind of looked at me...and started heaving.

I was in full panic mode. What do I do?! Do I take him to the toilet?! Can he even AIM for the toilet?! Do I have to hold him over the toilet?! Can I run and get a bag before he pukes?! It was coming at this point and I was still panicking, so I ended up taking him out of the crib and standing him on the floor. To puke. I guess I was just thinking "hey, it's hard wood. I'll just clean it up with some paper towels". Looking back, the toilet probably would've been a better option.

Standing there watching him throw up, with me trying not to throw up, I felt more helpless than I think I've ever felt. There was nothing I could do. Just stand there and rub his back while he's being sick and tears are streaming down his face. It was really, really horrible.

I don't know why this instance made me feel so awful. He's definitely fallen and bumped his head really hard and busted his lip (twice). Those times I felt pretty crummy, but not like this. Maybe it's because I know how awful being sick is. I don't know. But standing there with him, just patting his back like that would somehow make it better, I felt absolutely useless.

Still panicking a little, I decided I should at least change his diaper. He seemed perfectly fine after about a minute and was asking to see the thermometer after I took his temp (which was fine). I brought him in to my bedroom and sat him on the bed to call my mom and he crawled around on the bed and talked to me like nothing happened. My mom suggested I go ahead and bring him over and she would call me at work if he started being sick again. So I got him dressed and loaded him in the car...all while he seemed perfectly fine. I get halfway there and it starts again. And now there's REALLY nothing I can do. I can't even pull over at this point because of the traffic. So I just got to my mom's as quick as I could and had her bring me out a towel to clean him up. I got him all cleaned up, took him out of the car and he ran around again like nothing happened. Sigh.

At this point, I was so torn it was eating me. On one hand I wanted to put him right back in the car and drive as quick as I can back home and just spend the day snuggling him. On the other hand, I REALLY needed to go to work. So here I sit. At work. Worrying about my baby and trying desperately not to pick up the phone and call my mom every 10 minutes to see how he's doing. I don't know that I'll make it through the day, but at least I showed my face here. That has to count for something, right?

Also, I just want to point out that the last time Punkin got sick and ran a super high fever (we're talking 104 here!) for the first time, Austin was out of town. And this weekend? Out of town...again. I tried calling at 7:00 this morning because I (irrationally) needed him to go through this with me even though he's in another state. Straight to voicemail. Grrr.

I finally talked to him, though. At least he'll be checking his phone for updates.

So here's hoping that I've gotten the mommy hurt out of the way and next time this happens, I'll be an old pro at it. Fingers crossed!

I'm BAAAAAAAACK!

Huzzah!

After a struggle to get Internet service back I'm finally here. And thank goodness because I was going crazy! Don't get me wrong, I love The Office. But there's only so many times I can watch 6 seasons back to back.

Things have been a bit of a struggle lately. Everything really. It's been hard and there have been a few come to Jesus meetings but I think we're at the beginning of getting over the hump. Not there yet, but still trying.

Relationships are hard. There's so much work that goes in to figuring someone else out. Knowing what to say, how to approach things with another person. It's learned and it's an ongoing process. I'm still learning. This goes for every relationship too. Spouse, family, friends and coworkers. I guess the spouse relationship is the hardest.

It's odd because you would think living with someone, you have it all figured out. But I don't think you ever really do. People change all the time. Their way of thinking. Their values. What's important to them. It's hard to keep up sometimes. Sometimes it's amazing and fulfilling and life changing. Sometimes it's not. Sometimes it's suffocating and demanding and difficult. Figuring out a way around these things is crucial. Once you do, you've learned something new and you've become that much stronger.

Punkin is growing so much every day. He's almost 18 months now. He has an arsenal of words he isn't afraid to use, his favorite being no. Example:

Me: Give that to Mommy.
Punk: No! *runs away as fast as he can*

Sigh. Toddlerhood is here full force. He's become so picky with his food. I can't get him to eat meat for the life of me. I'm hoping he doesn't become anemic or something. Luckily, he loves fresh fruit and a veggie or two here or there so he's at least getting some nutrition. And seriously, kid drinks a gallon of milk a week by himself.

He loves playing with his cousin Ella. He yells for her when he hears her upstairs at my parents house. It's so cute to see them together. They love to play with each other and chase each other around the house. I'm happy he has another baby his age to play and explore with.

Hopefully it doesn't take me as long to update next time now that I'm connected to the world again!



Sombraro!



When It Rains...

It pours.

So, to be quite honest, we've been having a hard time about it lately. We're struggling pretty hard core financially. We're falling behind on bills and extra expenses seem to be piling up. I have a bridesmaid dress that needs to be ordered by next week and I need an oil change and new tires pretty soon.

So what happens?

A wreck. Austin was hit in his car on his way to take Punkin to my Mom's house. Both were fine, thank goodness. Austin's car however, was not. He was hit in the passenger side door and all the way down the side to the bumper. The car was spun around (basically did a 180) and the rod holding the tire to the axle was completely torn off. The tire was bent at a very unnatural angle. At first glance it doesn't look too horrible, but we're thinking it's going to be totaled. We haven't heard back yet.

So if it is totaled, we're keeping our fingers crossed we can get more than what we owe on it. It's definitely worth more than what we owe, so hopefully we at least get KBB value. It'll be great to be able to pay off the car, but then we're short a car. We can't get by with just one car the way our schedules are. The bus is a no go since we both go back and forth to my Mom's and buses don't run out there.

Best case scenario, we can pay off the car and my sister will be able to let us have her cavalier. Not a great car, but it's free so I'm not complaining.

Punkin seemed pretty unaffected by the whole ordeal, other than being a VERY cranky toddler due to a missed nap when we took a "just-in-case" trip to the ER. Other than that he's been his normal silly self.

He's still babbling up a storm. Last night when we put him to bed every time we would say "night-night" he would say "Eeyore!". I don't know why it was Eeyore, but we go with it. He also loves the word puppy now and says it all the time. He loves to dance and clap his hands, and I'm so very tempted to try and take him to Yo Gabba-Gabba live when it comes to town, but I just don't know if I'm willing to risk it! It'll be at the end of November. He'll be creeping a lot closer to 2 at that point so maybe, but I'd be bummed if we couldn't stay for the whole thing. He did surprise me with the Pooh movie though, so who knows.

My 25th birthday was last week and I have to say, it was pretty awesome. I got some amazing gifts from friends and family including gift cards from my folks, an awesome scrapbook from my mom-in-law, and the most amazing pair of shoes I will ever own from Bestie. And lots more. It was really great to feel the love. Austin's birthday is this weekend, and I have no idea what to do. We're both so broke it's ridiculous, so I don't even know if I could treat him to dinner and movie like he did for me. I'm sure I'll figure something out before then.

So for now I'm trying really hard to to stress. It's not working, but I'm trying. It's been one of those weeks where I want to throw my hands in the air and just quit life. If only it were that easy.

Winnie the Pooh

Ever since I've seen the previews for the new Winnie the Pooh movie, Austin and I have been debating on whether or not we should take Punkin to see it. My first reaction was "Uh, no thank you. I'm not crazy." But the closer it got to release the more I really wanted to take him. He loves Pooh bear so much and he loves the original movie from the 70's. So I thought maybe if I packed enough snacks it would be doable.

So we strategically scheduled his nap hoping he'd wake up just in time for the movie. We ended up having to get him up, but he seemed in a good mood so we were still hopeful. I packed him a lunch of PB&J, Goldfish crackers, a juice/water combo and a few chocolate chip cookies in case things got really desperate. We set off with him in his Pooh bear hat and his favorite stuffed Pooh bear (seriously, I feel like a schmuck for being such a parent consumer).

We planned to get there a few minutes late so we would miss the previews, which worked out really well. The only downside was that everyone else in Tallahassee decided to take their kid to the 11:00 showing so it was packed. We ended up in the second row, but luckily Punkin didn't mind. As soon as we walked in he was pointing to the screen saying "Pooh!". Now, Pooh wasn't on the screen at this point, but I guess because we kept telling him "Come on! We're going to see Pooh bear!" he got a little excited. He sat in Austins lap and watched the movie like a pro. He got really excited when Pooh did finally come on screen, pointing and babbling. I was worried about him making too much noise, but every other kid in the theater was making too much noise so I doubt anyone even heard him.

I handed him part of his PB&J and he laid back against Austin and just watched the movie like it was totally nothing new. He danced when the songs played. His favorite song from the original movie is the Heffalumps and Woozles song, and there was a song in this one that was pretty reminiscent of that. He got down dancing on Austin's lap to that one. All in all in was a pretty great first movie experience. And we only had to give him one chocolate chip cookie towards the end when he was getting a little antsy.

It was such a cute movie, too. They really kept it similar to the original by having the live action opening sequence and by having the movie take place in a book. I'd have to watch it again to tell you if there were any gems that would turn into classics like "Little Black Rain Cloud" or "A Very Blustery Day", but then I guess these things become classics over time. Zooey Deschanel did the music for this movie which I loved. Even the classic Winnie the Pooh song was sung beautifully by her in the beginning.

It was a pretty great movie weekend for the Mann family!

Harry Potter and the OMG FINAL MOVIE!

At midnight last night came the end of an era. The end of a very significant part of my childhood.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 was everything I could possibly hope for. Sure there were changes, but once I let myself let go of the book that was still freshly in my mind, it was amazing. I figured I would blubber through the entire movie, knowing that this was it. That there were not only no longer book releases, but no more movie releases. I did not blubber through the whole movie. But I did blubber through the entire last half. And so did the rest of the theater. Audibly.

I cheered for Neville. I outraged at Griphook. I cried, and cried some more for Snape and the other fallen. I turned my head away when those characters I loved so much showed up dead on screen. I let out a giant WOOT for Molly Weasley and her motherly instincts (oh yes, the line is there...and it's amazing).

I left the theater puffy eyed from tired and crying. I'm not one to cry at movies. Honestly. I can watch The Notebook (although I'd rather not) or Marley and Me 100x and not shed a tear. But I lost it over this one.

Here's the thing: I started reading  these books when I was 13. That's more than 10 years ago. That's a very good chunk of my adolescence. I was immersed in the magic. I really grew to love these characters like friends, and now that it's over I feel like a best friend has moved on. Yes, I still have the book and movies there and let us not forget the awesome theme park in Orlando. But the anticipation is gone. The excitement of wondering what's coming is gone. It really is like saying good-bye.

So with a heavy heart I said good bye and walked out of the theater with my 10+ year bestie, arms around each other and marveled at where we are in life. 25 years old. 40 looks a lot closer from here. I have a kid so that automatically makes me around 35. I was very glad I was able to go with her. We've been loving Harry Potter together for so long, it was almost nostalgic waiting in line with her.

Thanks Harry, for keeping us all entertained for so long.

Never Take Your Eye Off Of A Toddler

Duh.

But seriously. It seems like if I turn my head for two seconds, Punkin is in to something he shouldn't be.

Today I was sitting at my parents house babysitting my brother. I had Punky with me and he was happily playing in the corner of never ending toys tucked into the dining room. I was sitting at the dining room table trying desperately to finish the 7th Harry Potter book before my sister got home so she could borrow it. I see Punkin out of peripheral and note somewhere in the back of my mind that he's perfectly content pushing around a toy tractor and saying "vroom vroom". I suddenly smelled something familiar, but it didn't really click as I was deeply immersed in the battle at Hogwarts at that point. Punkin ran in front of me waving his arms for me to pick him up. I look down and realized what I smelled was mustard. It was all over his face and hands and he was rubbing it on my jeans, watching it make yellow stains against the blue like he was finger painting.

I couldn't do much more than splutter in confusion. Looking around for the source of the mustard, I realized there was a condiment bowl sitting in the floor by the living room end table. Courtesy of my sister. I'm going to go out on a limb and say he wasn't a fan and that's why he came to me waving his arms instead of hiding in a corner going to town.

So yeah. Never take your eyes off of a toddler. Or you'll walk around smelling like mustard all day.

Working Mom Guilt

I haz it.

It is so, so hard for me to get up and go to work in the mornings. Like you wouldn't believe. Not because I hate my job. I actually have a really great job. I work for awesome people who have been so understanding since I've had Punkin. I make pretty good money and the work is pretty easy (excluding tax season. It's not hard then, there's just A LOT). But I hate being here. So very much. All I want is to be home with my baby, snuggling under a blanket. Reading "Daddy and Me" for the 50th time in one day. Watching him carry his Pooh Bear around by the neck.

I feel guilty that I don't spend much time with him during the week. My Mom sees him more than I do some weeks, and that's just not cool. Weekends are all I have. I have to get in all the snuggles and kisses I can before the week starts back up and I have to spend it missing him all over again. I hate when my weekends get interrupted for this reason.

I am so jealous of those Moms who love going to work every day. Some of us function better that way, I think. I don't really think there's anything wrong with that. Just...if I had a choice (which I clearly do not at this point), I'd rather be at home cleaning and chasing babies. I know that probably makes me sounds like a horrible woman, but eh. I don't really care.

Our 4th of July weekend was spent babysitting my brother while my parents were out of town and being miserable from teething. Sunday morning he was not doing well. Crying and fussing and he couldn't even eat. It's never been so bad he couldn't eat. He'd put some food in his mouth, scream and spit it right back out. He pretty much just wanted to be held all day. A dose of Motrin and a three hour nap later and he felt much better.

Austin has been out of town this weekend so we were on our own. He's a certified pyrotechnician so he was out blowing stuff up for the Holiday while we were stuck at home watching Winnie the Pooh and dancing to Heffalumps and Woozles. I was at my parents house all day on the 4th and then went to the in-laws house whenever my parents got home from their trip. Unfortunately, Jax was already tired and cranky and did not want me to leave his sight or hug anyone. He was passed out before we got home.

His new favorite word is "Momma". He says it often, just to make sure I'm paying attention. I tried ignoring it once, just to see if he was really calling me or if he just enjoys saying the word. He got louder and louder and finally screamed it at me until I finally answered. He followed it with his own special language of gibberish that I have yet to figure out. The only word that trumps this is Paw Paw. Paw Paw is my Dad and anytime we're near the vicinity of my parents house he says it over and over again. Once we get inside, if my Dad isn't there then he abandons his mission to say it as many times as possible. But if Paw Paw is home...wow. Over and over and over again until honestly its hilarious. My Dad may act exasperated, but he secretly loves it.

He's been repeating pretty well lately. Words he says on his own without needing a prompt are Momma, Daddy, Paw Paw, Shoe, Uh-Oh, No, Luna, Pooh Bear, Tigger, Num Num (his word for food courtesy of Austin), Nonnie (my mom, although he doesn't say this so much any more now that he's discovered Paw Paw), diaper, see (he loves this one, he uses it when he wants to show us something or when he wants us to show him something) and a random assortment of babbling gibberish. We're working on please and thank you. He'll say thank you occasionally but he's not grasping the concept yet. We're also working on love you, which he will repeat (sounds like he's saying ah-oo) but very randomly. He'll also repeat Eeyore, which I love hearing him say.

He's growing up so fast. I hate that I have to miss it during the week! Here are some blurry iPhone pictures!

This is Punkin last 4th of July and this year. Its insane how huge he's gotten. Truly not a baby anymore.



Dancing his booty off for the USA.



I was sending Austin pictures of Jax sleeping because he gets in the funniest positions. Exhibit A.



The Most Amazing Wife that Ever Lived

Things are tight lately. Like, really super tight. The kind of tight where you forgo paying one bill for another because, well, that one can wait and this one can't.

I've tried saving energy. I've tried clipping coupons (can someone show me how to do that? I must be doing it wrong). I've managed to rein in my habit of buying Punkin books he doesn't need and resisting that one outfit that he needs RIGHT NOW before he gets too big. Doesn't seem to make much of a difference.

In all of this, I've wanted to strangle my husband. Yes, I know he's in school full time. Yes, I know that once he gets that degree it'll be so much better in the long run. But I also know him. I know he's got this fire burning in the pit of his stomach and I don't think even a slowly growing cable bill will scare him enough to put it out.

In case you don't know, my husband is a comedian. Not in the smart ass har-de-har-har sense (although he is that). In the goes on stage once a week (at least) and spends however long they'll give him making people laugh with dirty jokes sense. He loves it. He lives for it. He's wanted this since he was a kid.

I'm going to tell you a secret that my husband doesn't even know, and I'm sure once he reads this he'll be a bit chagrined, but I feel I have to explain. I remember the very first time he went up on stage, in front of an audience to do comedy. We were at this tiny hole in the wall restaurant with too many people crammed in. Sitting there waiting for him to go on stage, I think I was more nervous than he was. Not that he would do bad, but that he would do good.

I wanted him to fail.

Now, before you think I'm a horrible person, I didn't want this crushing experience for him. I just wanted it to be entirely under whelming for him. I wanted him to walk away thinking "meh, moving on". But he didn't. He did amazing. He won best comic that night and I knew. I just knew.

The fire started burning.

And so it still is. He wants to be a comedian. More than anything, I think. He's in school because it's the responsible thing to do. He works a job making barely enough to keep us a float because it allows him to stay concentrated on other things. If he could, if he didn't have a wife and kid to worry about at home, he'd be gone. Traveling club to club trying to make it work. Trying to find that one person to tell him he's really got something and to help him go places.

He's slowly buttering me up for it. He's slowly talking to me about competitions where he'll get paid. Club tours and feature spots. And I'm torn.

I love my husband. More than I can express. We've been together since we were 16 years old. We've been through the superficially dramatic and the kind of dramatic that hits you in the chest and makes you clutch at yourself, trying to hold the pieces together. He knows me better than anyone. Knows exactly what to say when he can tell I'm hating myself. When he sees me eye myself critically in the mirror he can say something subtle, offhand, to make me grin. As cliche and tired as it sounds, he really is my best friend.

But I know him too. He's always been a dreamer. He's always wanted something bigger than here. While I'm perfectly content to live in this town for the rest of my life, to raise my kids here and die here, he's always wanted something bigger. Now it's here. I hate this about him. I love this about him, deeply. I feel like it's my duty as his wife, his partner, his support to let him try. But it's very, very hard. Very hard not to be terrified.

I don't want to be a single Mom. I didn't sign up for that. He's an amazing father. Truly. I love how much Punkin loves him. I love how his face lights up when he sees his Daddy. Thinking about the fact that he would have to be gone, maybe whole months at a time if he really put himself into this, terrifies me. Sure he can make money, but how much? I'm supposed to work full time to pay bills and take care of a toddler? For how long?

But of course I'll let him try. He is so talented. He has something special. Something that you need to really stand out. Maybe I have a bias, but I think enough other people have told him that for him to have an ego inflated enough for him to think about jumping in to this with both feet. He swears he's going to stick with school and get that degree. I don't know if he will, but it's nice of him to try and make me feel better.

So, I'll sit dutifully at home. At work. With our baby. I'll let him try, and I'll be the most amazing wife that ever lived. And he better not forget it.

Reason #104 Why My Kid is Awesome

His passion of running-start hugs.

Punkin has perfected the art of the running-start hug. He starts from across the room, zeros in on his target and runs at top speed with arms in the air and nails the perfect hug every time. Sometimes it ends with a leap and sometimes it's just a full body slam, but it's always just right.

He's also been repeating words more frequently. His newest words are shoe, hush (said to Luna when she starts barking), see (he says this when he hands me something), and paw paw. He was saying paw paw before, but now he really knows who paw paw is and calls out for him. This is the point where we should probably start watching what we say. Sigh.

Punkin has also discovered that when he closes his eyes, everything disappears. So he's taken to walking around with his eyes closed. He also plays peek-a-boo with his eyes now. Just closing them so we say "where's Punkin" and opening them so we say "there he is!". Cracks him up every time.

I didn't lose any weight last week, which is actually pretty good because I didn't gain either. Considering I was at the beach the weekend before eating whatever I desired and partaking in some delicious strawberry margaritas with my sis-in-law, I'm going to take that as a success. I've been back on plan this week and I'm hoping I have a loss Saturday. I keep saying I'm going to fit in a work out here or there but wow, it's hard. Very little motivation and even less time do not make it easy.

I have a wedding in November that I'm a bridesmaid for, and it's really lighting a fire under my patooty (what? I'm practicing watching my mouth!) to kick it in gear. Last wedding I was in, I was the fat bridesmaid and I REALLY don't want to look at pictures this time and mourn how pretty the dress was on everyone else. I have 5 months and I would really love to have lost at least 20 pounds. That's totally doable. More would be great, but I don't want to set myself up for failure.

Lastly, I have a favor to ask of you. My cousin had a beautiful baby boy last night and unfortunately, is experiencing some complications. The baby is doing wonderfully, we just need to give Mama a boost. So please (in the words of my high school chorus teacher), if you pray, pray. If you meditate, meditate. Otherwise think happy thoughts for my cousin and her family. I want a full recovery for her!

Life is a Beach

So I'm still hanging on with my attempt to get healthy. Last week I lost significantly less than the first. A little over a pound. So my total weight loss for 2 weeks was 6.2. Not bad, not great.

I'm not really surprised that I lost that much less the second week. I was staying within my points but not really eating healthy. I usually have a ton of points left over at dinner time so I might eat a Smart Ones meal for 5 points and then eat the rest of my point in cookies. Probably not smart. This week has been problematic because we were out of town on vacation all weekend. Yeah I didn't bother trying to count points. I'll be lucky if I don't gain.

Exercise is so difficult for me to find the motivation for. Finding the time is the first hurdle. Austin has to be at work at 6 most mornings now and it's hard enough for me to wake up at that time to get Punkin and I ready so I can take him to my Mom's before work. I don't get home until 5:30 and we usually give Punkin dinner around 6 which I'm usually the one to make. The it's bath and books and bed by 7. By the end of it all, I'm too exhausted to even clean my house (I've been seriously slacking on that lately).

Weekends are really the only time I have, and even then it's hard to fit it in between naps and errands. I guess I just have to suck it up and find the time for it.

Good thing about the beach this weekend is that I walked a lot. In sand. Which is A LOT harder than I remember. I may or may not have been walking to get margaritas...but hey walking is walking.

Which brings me too the beach! I'm going to be honest. I hate the beach. Yeah, you heard me. I grew up in Florida and I H-A-T-E the beach. The heat, the people, the sand and just sitting around looking at more sand. Not for me. That said, I was actually really excited for this trip because it was Punky's first beach trip and I couldn't wait to see how he liked the water.

Austin's Mom and Step-Dad generously rented a beach house for Memorial Day weekend and invited Austin and I and his sister (and our respective children) to stay. We drove out Saturday afternoon. That morning I had a photo shoot with my sister and her kids so Punkin hadn't had a nap all day and was exhausted. I was so sure he'd sleep the whole way. I was wrong! He slept for maybe 15 minutes, woke up and fell asleep again when we were about 1/2 an hour away.

Still, we took him to the beach pretty much as soon as we got there. He loved it! He loved the water and played in the sand for a long time before he was ready to go in.

That night was not good. He didn't want to go to sleep. We usually put him to bed around 7 and we tried to stick with that routine, especially since he didn't get that much of a nap. He didn't fall asleep until 10:30 and cried pretty much the whole time until then. Even with us going in and trying to soothe him, no luck.

The next night was much better. He even took a couple of naps that day. All in all, it was a really great trip, and even though I always say I hate the beach I had a really great time. I don't hate it so much after all. Except for the sand. I really hate sand (seriously..it's everywhere!).

When we got home Monday morning, I put Punkin down for a nap around 11 and he didn't wake up until 4:30. I suspect he's teething again. He's had a low grade fever off and on and has been generally more whiny that usual. Any Mama's out there have any suggestions on how to soothe a teething baby? I'd rather not use teething tablets or orajel if I don't have too. We've been giving him Tylenol for the fever if it gets too high for my comfort but that's about it other than his frozen teething rings.

Here are some pics from our beach trip:

Hanging out on the deck.

Eating some yummy watermelon.

Look how curly his curls are!

Grown Up Night

Friday night I had a grown-up night. It was awesome.

My bestie just got back into town from Ireland (I know, right?) and came over to spoil my baby more than he already is and to have a girls night. She brought Punkin back a really neat all natural wooden drag along snail. It's terribly cute and Punky loves it.

The second one is an action shot. He loves dragging it around the house.

Bestie also gave us a really neat book called The Tale of Lundravar the Dragon. It has the most amazing art inside. I haven't read it yet, I've just flipped through at looked at the awesome art.

I can't wait until Jax gets old enough to enjoy it with me!

After the spoiling had been done and an extra few minutes of hearing about adventures in Ireland, we went for pedi's and drinks. It was so nice just to get out and relax with a girlfriend. I haven't had a pedicure since right before I had Jax and boy did I need it. I was very good and only had half a screwdriver. I had to weigh in the next morning!

So Saturday morning was my (second) first WW meeting and weigh in. I lost 5lbs this first week. I don't know why, but I wasn't near as excited about it as I thought I would be. I mean, I'm glad I lost, but it feels like I have such a long way to go that it's not such a big deal. I feel so unmotivated lately for some reason. I'm still following the plan and trying to make healthy choices, but part of me always wants to say "eff it".

But the other part of me that saw the pictures of myself from my nieces birthday party this weekend is screaming on the inside and dutifully counting points. Seriously, Facebook should ask your permission before someone tags a picture of you. It would take the hassle out of me having to go through and untag pictures of myself. I wish I could delete pictures from other peoples pages.

After the birthday party and after a very grumpy baby got a nap, Punkin had his second of a million bloody boo boos. He fell and I suspect he had this thumb in his mouth at the time and his nail cut his lip and that thingamajig that connects your upper lip to your gums (I cut that exact same thingamajig when I was little). The blood was plentiful. It was super scary for a minute. Partly because of all the blood, and partly because I thought he might need stitches and his insurance hasn't been approved yet. Yikes! He was grumpy for a few hours after but of course  he was perfectly fine.

Yesterday was a pretty good day. Lots of laundry and cleaning, and a walk around Lake Ella with the family. Jax loved seeing and chasing the ducks. They're about as big as he is so I was a little scared one would turn around a chase him back, but thankfully they were all pretty whatever about it. After our walk we went to Publix where Punkin enjoyed a cookie.

Yeah, he made a mess. We had to stop at the pharmacy and ask for some paper towels. He didn't know what the problem was.

And so another week begins. Time to hitch that smile back into place.