Friday, September 2, 2011

Helpless

This morning, for the first time in my short Mommy career, I felt absolutely helpless.

I heard Punkin make a weird noise and start coughing a little early this morning. He didn't make a peep after that so I figured he went back to sleep and so did I. I slept in until the last possible minute, not wanting to get out of bed to get ready for work. Finally, when I had about 10 minutes until I was going to be late, I hopped out of bed, threw some clothes on and went to get Punkin. I knew he was still sleeping because I usually hear him talking to himself in there in the mornings. I walked in and he lifted his head, but didn't attempt to get up like he normally does. I peered in his crib and saw something all over his pillow. *gulp*

I turned on the light and slowly turned around, terrified because I just KNEW what it was. Yep. Puke. All over the pillow...and he's rubbing his face in it. I had about half a second of horror before I ran over and snatched him up before he could really get it all over himself. As soon as I tried to stand him up, I knew he wasn't right. He just kind of looked at me...and started heaving.

I was in full panic mode. What do I do?! Do I take him to the toilet?! Can he even AIM for the toilet?! Do I have to hold him over the toilet?! Can I run and get a bag before he pukes?! It was coming at this point and I was still panicking, so I ended up taking him out of the crib and standing him on the floor. To puke. I guess I was just thinking "hey, it's hard wood. I'll just clean it up with some paper towels". Looking back, the toilet probably would've been a better option.

Standing there watching him throw up, with me trying not to throw up, I felt more helpless than I think I've ever felt. There was nothing I could do. Just stand there and rub his back while he's being sick and tears are streaming down his face. It was really, really horrible.

I don't know why this instance made me feel so awful. He's definitely fallen and bumped his head really hard and busted his lip (twice). Those times I felt pretty crummy, but not like this. Maybe it's because I know how awful being sick is. I don't know. But standing there with him, just patting his back like that would somehow make it better, I felt absolutely useless.

Still panicking a little, I decided I should at least change his diaper. He seemed perfectly fine after about a minute and was asking to see the thermometer after I took his temp (which was fine). I brought him in to my bedroom and sat him on the bed to call my mom and he crawled around on the bed and talked to me like nothing happened. My mom suggested I go ahead and bring him over and she would call me at work if he started being sick again. So I got him dressed and loaded him in the car...all while he seemed perfectly fine. I get halfway there and it starts again. And now there's REALLY nothing I can do. I can't even pull over at this point because of the traffic. So I just got to my mom's as quick as I could and had her bring me out a towel to clean him up. I got him all cleaned up, took him out of the car and he ran around again like nothing happened. Sigh.

At this point, I was so torn it was eating me. On one hand I wanted to put him right back in the car and drive as quick as I can back home and just spend the day snuggling him. On the other hand, I REALLY needed to go to work. So here I sit. At work. Worrying about my baby and trying desperately not to pick up the phone and call my mom every 10 minutes to see how he's doing. I don't know that I'll make it through the day, but at least I showed my face here. That has to count for something, right?

Also, I just want to point out that the last time Punkin got sick and ran a super high fever (we're talking 104 here!) for the first time, Austin was out of town. And this weekend? Out of town...again. I tried calling at 7:00 this morning because I (irrationally) needed him to go through this with me even though he's in another state. Straight to voicemail. Grrr.

I finally talked to him, though. At least he'll be checking his phone for updates.

So here's hoping that I've gotten the mommy hurt out of the way and next time this happens, I'll be an old pro at it. Fingers crossed!

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