Tuesday, September 25, 2012

That Thing I'm Not Supposed to Mention...

I'm going to mention it.

My parents have been going through a divorce for the past 100 years. Okay, not really. But it really seemed that way at times. Things have been very pulled and tugged, back and forth, over and over. Through it all, there were very few times I really let myself feel anything about it. I kept it pushed down and locked up because a) I have my own kids and husband to worry about and b) I didn't want to make the whole ordeal any harder on them than it needed to be.

The thing is, now that it's done and final and we're starting to adjust to our new normal, there's a weird emptiness about the whole situation. I was there when it was finalized and as it was happening I had a moment of panic. I'm not sure where that emotion came from, but it rose up in me like a hungry basilisk and threatened to burst out in the form of angry tears. I held it in. I choked it back. And 5 minutes later when it was done and my mom was ready to leave the court room in a hurry, I followed and made jokes and hugged my mom. And that was it.

That was it. Since then I don't really know how to feel. I want them to both be happy. I want them to both move on. I want to be able to navigate things like holidays and birthdays without hurt feelings and drama. But I also have to do the inevitable thing we as humans always do when something like this happens. We compare.

A very close friend went through a divorce years ago, and it was so hard on me and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. I mean, it wasn't my relationship. I was sad for her, sure. But why was I suddenly bawling while I'm trying to do my make up? Truth is, I was worried. Could it happen to Austin and I? What went wrong there and could it potentially go wrong here?

Sure, it could happen to us. I'm very much a realist, and most of my friends could probably tell you that. I don't pretend to live in a world filled with puppies and rainbows where relationships are perfect and people are perfect. Relationships are hard. Really hard. And people are essentially selfish beings. The thing I've learned from seeing these relationships end around me is that you really have to want it to make it work. You have to be willing to fight for it. You have to be willing to apologize and admit you were wrong and you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable to another person. That for me is the hardest part.

So now that the dust is starting to settle and things are moving forward and I've done all the self analyzing I think I care to do, I have to take this lesson and learn from it. Speak up if you're unhappy. Get help if you can't help yourselves. Therapy does not equal weakness. Austin and I have always said we'll do anything humanly possible to prevent a divorce if things start going south, and I just hope we both stick to that.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Back to School

For me!

That's right. It's been 5 years since I earned my AA and I'm going back to school for Early Childhood Education. For those of you who are totally surprised, me too. It was a super last minute decision. I mean, it's something I've been thinking about for a long time. I've always been interested in child development and how children learn and experience life. So, I bit the bullet and just decided to go for it this semester. I'm taking two online classes and so far so good.

I have a feeling it will be harder than I anticipated. Austin is out of town this weekend at a comedy show in Jacksonville so it's just me and the kiddos, and I've managed to get some school work done, but it's not easy to read about children's literature with a two year old running around and constantly asking for snack/drink/choo choo. Hopefully I can manage it!

Skeeter is rolling over and over and over. I can't put her on her play mat anymore because she just rolls on to the hard wood floor. Luckily my Grandma sent me an awesome quilt that she made so I've been putting that on the floor and just letting her roll to her heart's content. The problem is when she's all out in the open like that, Punkin likes to run in a circle around her pretending he's a choo choo train. It's terrifying, really.

We've all been victims of a horrible flu this week. We're just recovered although Punkin is still complaining that his belly hurts. I can't decide if it really hurts or if he's garnering some extra sympathy. Either way I'm so glad he's finally verbal enough to tell me what hurts. "Belly hurts" or "mouth hurts" or "finger hurts" is so much help. It's horrible trying to guess what's wrong and getting it wrong over and over. It's amazing how much he learns every day. He's his own little person now. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about it.

Both the babies are growing at a ridiculous rate. Does it ever slow down?