Tuesday, September 25, 2012

That Thing I'm Not Supposed to Mention...

I'm going to mention it.

My parents have been going through a divorce for the past 100 years. Okay, not really. But it really seemed that way at times. Things have been very pulled and tugged, back and forth, over and over. Through it all, there were very few times I really let myself feel anything about it. I kept it pushed down and locked up because a) I have my own kids and husband to worry about and b) I didn't want to make the whole ordeal any harder on them than it needed to be.

The thing is, now that it's done and final and we're starting to adjust to our new normal, there's a weird emptiness about the whole situation. I was there when it was finalized and as it was happening I had a moment of panic. I'm not sure where that emotion came from, but it rose up in me like a hungry basilisk and threatened to burst out in the form of angry tears. I held it in. I choked it back. And 5 minutes later when it was done and my mom was ready to leave the court room in a hurry, I followed and made jokes and hugged my mom. And that was it.

That was it. Since then I don't really know how to feel. I want them to both be happy. I want them to both move on. I want to be able to navigate things like holidays and birthdays without hurt feelings and drama. But I also have to do the inevitable thing we as humans always do when something like this happens. We compare.

A very close friend went through a divorce years ago, and it was so hard on me and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. I mean, it wasn't my relationship. I was sad for her, sure. But why was I suddenly bawling while I'm trying to do my make up? Truth is, I was worried. Could it happen to Austin and I? What went wrong there and could it potentially go wrong here?

Sure, it could happen to us. I'm very much a realist, and most of my friends could probably tell you that. I don't pretend to live in a world filled with puppies and rainbows where relationships are perfect and people are perfect. Relationships are hard. Really hard. And people are essentially selfish beings. The thing I've learned from seeing these relationships end around me is that you really have to want it to make it work. You have to be willing to fight for it. You have to be willing to apologize and admit you were wrong and you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable to another person. That for me is the hardest part.

So now that the dust is starting to settle and things are moving forward and I've done all the self analyzing I think I care to do, I have to take this lesson and learn from it. Speak up if you're unhappy. Get help if you can't help yourselves. Therapy does not equal weakness. Austin and I have always said we'll do anything humanly possible to prevent a divorce if things start going south, and I just hope we both stick to that.

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