I've tried saving energy. I've tried clipping coupons (can someone show me how to do that? I must be doing it wrong). I've managed to rein in my habit of buying Punkin books he doesn't need and resisting that one outfit that he needs RIGHT NOW before he gets too big. Doesn't seem to make much of a difference.
In all of this, I've wanted to strangle my husband. Yes, I know he's in school full time. Yes, I know that once he gets that degree it'll be so much better in the long run. But I also know him. I know he's got this fire burning in the pit of his stomach and I don't think even a slowly growing cable bill will scare him enough to put it out.
In case you don't know, my husband is a comedian. Not in the smart ass har-de-har-har sense (although he is that). In the goes on stage once a week (at least) and spends however long they'll give him making people laugh with dirty jokes sense. He loves it. He lives for it. He's wanted this since he was a kid.
I'm going to tell you a secret that my husband doesn't even know, and I'm sure once he reads this he'll be a bit chagrined, but I feel I have to explain. I remember the very first time he went up on stage, in front of an audience to do comedy. We were at this tiny hole in the wall restaurant with too many people crammed in. Sitting there waiting for him to go on stage, I think I was more nervous than he was. Not that he would do bad, but that he would do good.
I wanted him to fail.
Now, before you think I'm a horrible person, I didn't want this crushing experience for him. I just wanted it to be entirely under whelming for him. I wanted him to walk away thinking "meh, moving on". But he didn't. He did amazing. He won best comic that night and I knew. I just knew.
The fire started burning.
And so it still is. He wants to be a comedian. More than anything, I think. He's in school because it's the responsible thing to do. He works a job making barely enough to keep us a float because it allows him to stay concentrated on other things. If he could, if he didn't have a wife and kid to worry about at home, he'd be gone. Traveling club to club trying to make it work. Trying to find that one person to tell him he's really got something and to help him go places.
He's slowly buttering me up for it. He's slowly talking to me about competitions where he'll get paid. Club tours and feature spots. And I'm torn.
I love my husband. More than I can express. We've been together since we were 16 years old. We've been through the superficially dramatic and the kind of dramatic that hits you in the chest and makes you clutch at yourself, trying to hold the pieces together. He knows me better than anyone. Knows exactly what to say when he can tell I'm hating myself. When he sees me eye myself critically in the mirror he can say something subtle, offhand, to make me grin. As cliche and tired as it sounds, he really is my best friend.
But I know him too. He's always been a dreamer. He's always wanted something bigger than here. While I'm perfectly content to live in this town for the rest of my life, to raise my kids here and die here, he's always wanted something bigger. Now it's here. I hate this about him. I love this about him, deeply. I feel like it's my duty as his wife, his partner, his support to let him try. But it's very, very hard. Very hard not to be terrified.
I don't want to be a single Mom. I didn't sign up for that. He's an amazing father. Truly. I love how much Punkin loves him. I love how his face lights up when he sees his Daddy. Thinking about the fact that he would have to be gone, maybe whole months at a time if he really put himself into this, terrifies me. Sure he can make money, but how much? I'm supposed to work full time to pay bills and take care of a toddler? For how long?
But of course I'll let him try. He is so talented. He has something special. Something that you need to really stand out. Maybe I have a bias, but I think enough other people have told him that for him to have an ego inflated enough for him to think about jumping in to this with both feet. He swears he's going to stick with school and get that degree. I don't know if he will, but it's nice of him to try and make me feel better.
So, I'll sit dutifully at home. At work. With our baby. I'll let him try, and I'll be the most amazing wife that ever lived. And he better not forget it.
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