Worry

When I was a teenager, my Dad said something to me that I never really understood until now. He said that he worried about all of us kids every minute of every day. He was always worrying. I remember thinking that was kind of weird and blowing it off, but now I know how true it is.

I commented on my cousin's facebook status about worrying the other day. Her sweet little boy had to have a surgery and of course she was a nervous wreck. I told her about how when I was pregnant with Punkin, I worried constantly about something being wrong, so I just wanted to get to the end of my pregnancy and have him so that I could hold him in my arms and stop worrying. Little did I know, the worrying doesn't stop. Ever.

It's not the kind of all consuming worry when I'm panicking all day long. It's kind of the back of my mind worry. About everything. Did he eat enough today? Why is he so grumpy? Is he getting molars? Is his speech on track? Am I letting him watch too much TV? Maybe that's why I'm worried about his speech. Why isn't he on the same level as this other kid? Why am I comparing my kid to other kids?

I worry about his safety. I worry about his health; physical and mental. I worry about providing for him.

And now, as some of you know, we've learned we're being graced with the presence of a precious baby girl. While we're both thrilled, I can't help but feel like there are a whole new set of worries that comes with girls. Self esteem and self image. Emotions and boys and sex. I know I have to worry about all of those things with Punkin, but for some reason with a girl it seems so much more in your face. I want her to love herself. I want her to stand up to bullies. I want her to not look at a size 2 model in a magazine and think "That's what I should look like and this here, this isn't good enough". Because I thought those things and still think those things and I don't want her to feel like she's anything less than beautiful.

I guess I worry about these specific things with a girl because I know what it's like to be a teenage girl. I may be almost 8 years out of high school, but I can remember every sting and every hurt like it was yesterday. I remember the heart break and the bad decisions and the feeling of having so many emotions, eventually you end up with none at all.

I'm terrified of doing this wrong.

I wish my mom would come back now.