Tuesday, January 3, 2012

Halfway There

Today, I am 20 weeks pregnant. I'm already halfway there.

I'm starting to mini-panic about this. I feel like there's so much to figure out and I haven't even really started making a plan. The room that is to belong to baby girl is filled with the random bits of our lives that we don't have any other place for. I haven't started thinking about decorating a nursery for a little girl.

I feel slightly guilty about this. I don't know if it's because this is my second or because there's so much more pressure with this one, but I'm just not excited about the little things like I was with Punkin. Little girl clothes are foreign to me and while yes, the selection is infinitely more than it is for boys, it feels weird buying them. Everything is just so...frilly. I'm used to puppies and monkeys and blues and browns. Not bows and ruffles and pink and purple. I did buy her a cute little giraffe outfit yesterday.

My Mom asked me yesterday if I had started looking at bedding. Um, say what? Bedding? Oh yeah. I guess I should get on that, huh? It hadn't even crossed my mind. I guess because when we thought she would be a he, I got really complacent thinking we already have everything we need.

So I guess I should get moving. We were going to wait a while to put Punkin in a toddler bed because I really just don't think he's ready, but I found a spring from his mattress platform the other day that had broken off. From him jumping on the bed so much. Awesome. So now I'm thinking I better get him out of that crib before it's totally unusable for another baby.

Another part of all of this that's stressing me out is figuring out our work situations. Flat out: I don't want to work. After this baby gets here, I don't want to have to leave my child at 5 weeks old and go back to working full time. I just don't. I know people do it every day, but the thought of it just makes me want to hide in a corner and cry. It was hard with Punkin, and I imagine it'll be harder with two. The only problem with this is the fact that we need, you know, like food and stuff. Basic survival needs and all that. I don't know that we can do that. They offered to let me work part time here, and while that's very generous and all, I don't really believe them. I think they may be okay with that after I get back in July, but not once tax season hits and we're slammed and I'm the only one who does certain things here. I don't think they'll be okay with it then, and I'm sorry, but I'm not going to work full time 4 months out of the year and work part time the rest.

My main concerns are nursing and child care. I don't want to pump at work again. Ever. It was awful and it was hard and I'm damn proud of myself for doing it and nursing my baby until he weaned himself at a year. He never had one drop of formula. Ever. Yes, I'm bragging. I set out to accomplish that goal and I'm proud of myself for doing it. But it sucked. Especially at the end when I was struggling to pump enough for him each day. I long for a life when I can just nurse my baby when she's hungry and not worry about pumping unless I want to leave her with someone for an extended period of time. That would be magical.

Also, child care. My mom will no longer be keeping both kids. Austin has started working with my brother a few days a week, which is great because he can make money and have Punkin with him at the same time. But we have no idea at this point if those few days a week will turn into full time and if it does, how will he handle my brother plus a toddler and an infant? Even if I'm working part time, that's a little sticky.

There's just so much to think about, I think it's hindering me from being really pumped about this. Don't get me wrong, I'm so very happy for this baby and I'm beyond grateful that she's healthy so far. It just feels different this time.

Jax and his cousin Ella making good use of Nonnie's canned goods. Also, note the big brother shirt.

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