Calling all Moms!

I'm hoping my other Momma friends read this and comment, because I'm getting a little concerned.

I've noticed in the past month or so a definite change in Punkin's personality. Where he used to be fun and (mostly) compliant and all around a happy kid, he's suddenly become overly whiny and clingy and defiant. I'm hoping this is just normal toddler behavior and maybe he's just learned he can assert his independence more now that he has a better grasp on language, but I'm worried something else may be going on.

In the past week or so, bedtime has been a major issue. He's always been a great sleeper, but suddenly he won't stay in the bed and we either have to lay with him until he's asleep or put him in the big bed until he's asleep and then move him. I want to make him feel secure and let him know we're here if he needs us, but I also don't want to get him in the habit of sleeping in our bed for fear it'll take forever to break.

I can't help but wonder if part of it is his diet. He's so incredibly picky and really eats the same 4 or 5 meals over and over again. And even when we give him those 4 or 5 meals, most of the time he hardly eats anything. Could he be low in some nutrient we're not aware of? Could he have some sort of food intolerance that's making him cranky?

Maybe he's bored being home all day. He's starting preschool 2 days a week soon, and I'm excited because I think it'll be good for him to be in a social environment with kids his own age, but now I'm worried the whole process will be made more difficult since he's become more clingy in the past few weeks.

He's been pretty good with Skeeter this whole time, maybe it's catching up to him now. The only time he seems a little jealous is when I'm feeding her and he wants to sit with me or lay on the pillow I'm using.

Sigh. Hopefully it's just normal toddler development, but I hope it passes soon. Any words of wisdom or advice?

That Thing I'm Not Supposed to Mention...

I'm going to mention it.

My parents have been going through a divorce for the past 100 years. Okay, not really. But it really seemed that way at times. Things have been very pulled and tugged, back and forth, over and over. Through it all, there were very few times I really let myself feel anything about it. I kept it pushed down and locked up because a) I have my own kids and husband to worry about and b) I didn't want to make the whole ordeal any harder on them than it needed to be.

The thing is, now that it's done and final and we're starting to adjust to our new normal, there's a weird emptiness about the whole situation. I was there when it was finalized and as it was happening I had a moment of panic. I'm not sure where that emotion came from, but it rose up in me like a hungry basilisk and threatened to burst out in the form of angry tears. I held it in. I choked it back. And 5 minutes later when it was done and my mom was ready to leave the court room in a hurry, I followed and made jokes and hugged my mom. And that was it.

That was it. Since then I don't really know how to feel. I want them to both be happy. I want them to both move on. I want to be able to navigate things like holidays and birthdays without hurt feelings and drama. But I also have to do the inevitable thing we as humans always do when something like this happens. We compare.

A very close friend went through a divorce years ago, and it was so hard on me and for the life of me I couldn't figure out why. I mean, it wasn't my relationship. I was sad for her, sure. But why was I suddenly bawling while I'm trying to do my make up? Truth is, I was worried. Could it happen to Austin and I? What went wrong there and could it potentially go wrong here?

Sure, it could happen to us. I'm very much a realist, and most of my friends could probably tell you that. I don't pretend to live in a world filled with puppies and rainbows where relationships are perfect and people are perfect. Relationships are hard. Really hard. And people are essentially selfish beings. The thing I've learned from seeing these relationships end around me is that you really have to want it to make it work. You have to be willing to fight for it. You have to be willing to apologize and admit you were wrong and you have to be willing to make yourself vulnerable to another person. That for me is the hardest part.

So now that the dust is starting to settle and things are moving forward and I've done all the self analyzing I think I care to do, I have to take this lesson and learn from it. Speak up if you're unhappy. Get help if you can't help yourselves. Therapy does not equal weakness. Austin and I have always said we'll do anything humanly possible to prevent a divorce if things start going south, and I just hope we both stick to that.

Back to School

For me!

That's right. It's been 5 years since I earned my AA and I'm going back to school for Early Childhood Education. For those of you who are totally surprised, me too. It was a super last minute decision. I mean, it's something I've been thinking about for a long time. I've always been interested in child development and how children learn and experience life. So, I bit the bullet and just decided to go for it this semester. I'm taking two online classes and so far so good.

I have a feeling it will be harder than I anticipated. Austin is out of town this weekend at a comedy show in Jacksonville so it's just me and the kiddos, and I've managed to get some school work done, but it's not easy to read about children's literature with a two year old running around and constantly asking for snack/drink/choo choo. Hopefully I can manage it!

Skeeter is rolling over and over and over. I can't put her on her play mat anymore because she just rolls on to the hard wood floor. Luckily my Grandma sent me an awesome quilt that she made so I've been putting that on the floor and just letting her roll to her heart's content. The problem is when she's all out in the open like that, Punkin likes to run in a circle around her pretending he's a choo choo train. It's terrifying, really.

We've all been victims of a horrible flu this week. We're just recovered although Punkin is still complaining that his belly hurts. I can't decide if it really hurts or if he's garnering some extra sympathy. Either way I'm so glad he's finally verbal enough to tell me what hurts. "Belly hurts" or "mouth hurts" or "finger hurts" is so much help. It's horrible trying to guess what's wrong and getting it wrong over and over. It's amazing how much he learns every day. He's his own little person now. I don't know whether to be happy or sad about it.

Both the babies are growing at a ridiculous rate. Does it ever slow down?

Too Much

That's how I feel about life right now. There's just too much to do.

We went to the beach for my Daddy's 50th birthday this weekend, and it was amazing. The weather called for storms all weekend, and it stayed beautiful until we left Sunday morning (then it started to pour and Austin was caught in it while riding a moped he rented. Rain apparently HURTS!). Punkin had a wonderful time splashing in the water with his cousins and he's become quite the little daredevil. He would have gladly dived head first into the ocean if we had let him. I'm glad he's not scared, but I wish he was a little more cautious!

Skeeter was a dream the whole time we were there. My Dad says she was the best behaved out of everyone! She played quietly on her mat. She slept surprisingly well considering we were all in one room (her in the pack n play, Punkin in the bed with us). She loves to play with her Paw Paw so I think she was happy to be with him all weekend.

She's rolling from her belly to her back all the time (I turn my head for a second and she's on her back!) and she's grabbing at things she's interested in. She's super close to rolling from her back to her belly, but her arm always gets in the way. When we put her on her play mat, she likes to grab on to her toy butterfly that dangles above her and shake it so it makes noise. It's something so simple, yet so adorable. It's funny what makes us feel all fuzzy inside as parents.

Punkin is going pee in the potty like a champ...as long as he's naked. We pretty much just let him run around the house all day bare bottomed. Whenever we try to put pants or underwear on him, he just pees in it like he's wearing a diaper. Sometimes he'll pee just a little and then let us know he needs to go pee in the potty. I guess it's a work in progress at the moment. He did poop in the potty once and we lost our minds celebrating (I'm pretty sure I gave him the equivalent of a full bag of M&M's) but it's only happened the one time. It'll probably take a full year to get him all the way trained.

He's at an age now where he's learning so much, it's hard for me to keep up! He surprises me every day with something new that he's learned. Yesterday, while watching an outer space episode of Yo Gabba, Gabba he pointed to the opening screen full of stars and said "Look, Momma! Space!". I guess I shouldn't be totally surprised seeing as how Austin is a total space nerd, but it still made me proud. He's got his ABC's down like a champ and is a pro at counting to 10. He's got most of his colors down at this point and loves to point them out everywhere.

So now I'm playing catch up with everything since being gone this weekend. We had some very dear and generous friends keep an eye on our Luna puppy and when we got home, Bestie had done my dishes and Bestie's boy had put some groceries in our fridge. Talk about good friends! I'm so grateful for that, because I've done absolutely nothing since we've been back and I can't imagine the state my kitchen would be in if I those dishes were still in the sink (which they totally would be BTW). It's so hard for me to find the motivation to wake up and go to work every morning and then come home after a long (probably drama filled) day and do anything except play with my babies and go to bed. This weekend will be full of dishes and laundry, I'm sure.

Sick Day

Punkin and Momma are both sick today, so we're spending the day in our jammies in front of Netflix. I'm waiting for medicine to kick in and get rid of the raging headache I have.

In the mean time, we're watching Yo Gabba Gabba and diligently going pee in the potty. Yep. After all my worry if he was ready and all my google research on potty training tips, he suddenly decided he was ready to pee in the potty on Friday. We generally let him go naked a lot of the time, partly to help in potty training and partly to let his little bum air out between diaper changes. He was sitting on the couch and said "Pee pee couch?". I told him to go pee pee in the potty and he climbed off of the couch and stood over his little froggy potty and just started peeing. It was amazing. Ever since then he's been going pee pee in the potty like he was doing it this whole time. He has yet to poop in the potty and we're letting him run around naked as he doesn't really get the whole pulling down underwear thing, so I'm watching closely to make sure he's not squatting in a corner somewhere. One step at a time!

He's learning so much right now. He knows his letters and his numbers and is really speaking a lot clearer. He's at the point to where I can tell him what something is once and he'll actually remember. We're hoping to get him in a preschool soon so that he can socialize with some other kids and hopefully learn even more in a classroom setting. It would only be part time, but I'm excited about it.

Meanwhile, Skeeter has been sleeping like it's her job. It's been so much easier to put her down at night and when she does go down she's sleeping through the night. She's gotten to where she goes down around 8:30 and she sleeps until 6:30-7:30 in the morning. It's amazing. She had been going down around 10 but we somehow got her and Punkin on the same schedule so that they go to bed around the same time. I don't know how we did it, but hey. I'll take it.

She's really becoming such a sweet, laid back baby. She'll sit in her bouncy seat and just coo at the animals and watch us doing whatever we're doing. She thinks her big brother is hilarious already and loves when he's jumping around. She smiles so big whenever I talk to her, like she's just so happy to see me. It feels so good to be enjoying my baby.

I'm off to take a hot shower and hopefully wash this yucky sickness away.

Bonding

As a mother, this is something that's very difficult for me to admit.

I had a really hard time bonding with Skeeter in the beginning.

She's only two months old, so I know we're kind of still in the beginning. But in the beginning of the beginning, things were rough.

With Punkin, I was so securely bonded with him before he was even born that it didn't cross my mind for a minute that it might be a struggle. And it wasn't. My bond with him was immediate and it was the strongest sense of love I had ever felt.

From the moment I found out I was pregnant with Skeeter, I worried. I was unsure. I was scared. I really think this had an impact on how I felt when she was born. Of course I immediately loved her. She's still my baby and I would lay down my life for her in an instant. But there was just something missing there that I didn't lack with Punkin.

She's a fussy baby. She fights sleep with everything her little body has, and I'm so ashamed of how frustrated I would get with her for the first month of her life. It seemed like nothing I did helped. I couldn't calm her at all and I would just hold her and watch her cry and just beg her to stop. There were a few times I just had to put her in the swing and walk away for my sanity. I felt like the most horrible, worthless mother in the world. I was certain I had post partum depression and seriously considered seeking help.

I remember when I was pregnant with Punkin, Bestie told me if I didn't immediately bond with him, that was okay. That it happens sometimes and that things would get better. I blew that comment off. I was already so in tune to him that I knew I wouldn't have any issues. But now I'm remembering her words and thinking of how right she was. And I wonder how many other women go through this and come out okay.

As Mothers, I feel like we're expected to naturally be good at taking care of babies. To naturally have that maternal instinct that tells us what's wrong with a crying baby and how to soothe them to tranquility. Talk about pressure.

There are still hard moments. I texted a friend in a fit of self loathing about how there's nothing I can do for her just last week.

Deep breaths.

I am happy to report that things are much better. I look at her sometimes and get that overwhelming feeling of love where I want to squeeze her and kiss her and tell her how much I love her...so I do. I sing to her and wonder if she'll still want me to when she's Punkin's age and too squirmy to sit still for a song. I play with her and delight in her smiles and coos and try to keep it going as long as I can.

I keep telling myself it's just her temperament, and all babies are different. She's just as frustrated as I am when she's crying because she's so sleepy. And sometimes she just needs to cry, and that's okay. If I've tried everything in my power to calm her, then it's okay to just hold her and let her cry.

We're learning together.

"Extreme" Parenting

I came across an article today about a show that TLC is running called "Extreme Parenting". I was disheartened to read the "extreme" part means extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping and elimination communication practicing parents. Extreme? Really?

The really disturbing thing about this article was the reader comments at the bottom. People comparing breastfeeding to molestation and demanding these children be taken away from their parents. I can't even comprehend why another parenting style would cause so much outrage (excluding the obvious abuse or neglect).

I'm having flashbacks of that horrible Time magazine cover with the Mom nursing her 3 year old as he stands on a chair. No, it wasn't horrible because the child was 3. It was horrible because it sensationalized and sexualized extended breastfeeding. There was nothing loving or nurturing about that picture. There were plenty of wonderful pictures of mothers and children on the inside, but Time chose the most obnoxious one they could find.

TLC has decided to cash in on the debate that's been sparked, and I'm irritated to say the least.

Here's the thing: why do we care so much? I mean really? As mother, heck as parents, we have a tough gig. There's a lot of work to be done with little to no recognition or appreciation. But we don't care, because the mere fact that our kids wake up every morning gives us satisfaction. So why should another person care if how long I breastfeed or if I let my baby sleep in the bed?

I guess what I'm trying to say is that as parents, we all have things that we struggle with as far as child rearing goes. I don't think that these labels (i.e. attachment parenting, authoritarian, etc) provide a positive outlook. We should really be supporting each other through parenthood, not ripping each other for things like formula vs. breastfeeding. As long as our kids are fed and healthy and happy, why all the negativity?

I hate that the media is fueling this debate. I hope we can all come to recognize that parents need to do what they feel is right for their families, not for everyone else.